I was tempted to start this blog(after a 2-3 month hiatus) with an explanation of sorts - about the silence and maybe a bit about how the past few months has been an emotional roller coaster ride – I got engaged and its long distance. But then I realised that the only 2 readers I think I have are my closest friends and hence need no explanations. Hence I’m going to jump right in.
There are a million things that go through my head each day. And yet when asked, these days I can rarely think of anything I want to share or say. It’s a strange sort of numbness that seems to have taken over me. And they say this is supposed to be the best phase of life- courtship. I have had a lot of time on my hands – work is mind numbingly slow- and somewhere it struck me recently how much time I spend thinking! How things are, how things can be, how they should be. The improbable, the ideal, the insane, the fantastical, the fairy tale, the completely practical - it’s all regularly evaluated in my head. And somewhere, I forget that life is about a state of mind- and somehow my mind is all cluttered. This blog is now my first step (again) towards the de-cluttering process.
I sound like someone who is facing a lot of issues, and that’s the weird part – my life is fairly simple. Complications come in the easy to handle form of a messed up career (other people don’t seem to see it that way but if I am unhappy call that messed up) and a relative lack of control on daily aspects of life such as – I want to get fit, I want to get rid of my tendency to fall ill, I want to learn to swim (I have started that process), dealing with separation anxiety (marriage of course!), growing up, taking responsibility for myself and partly for DJ (ok he says this bit is a two way street but it’s still scary). And all this together with a long -distance relationship, work that is boring the intelligence out of me (coz I have so little of it) and hence and empty mind – yeah that’s the recipe for disaster that is driving me crazy.
It’s crazy how much importance we attach to events that are yet to come. Somehow, those are expected to sort out all the gaps we felt this far. So I have spent so much time in the past thinking that somehow, when I have a partner, life will fall into place. Somewhere in my head, personal life and career and hence my whole life – was all interlinked. Ok, it still is. I know that’s a reality. But the weird part is, as much as I love my fiancé and as much happiness, security and stability he brings to my life, it’s really not the magic wand that can sort everything out. Yes, it has sorted out a lot of things – as GR told me today, I now have someone who is with me every step of the way – unconditionally – and that’s something that’s not easy to find. So, I am blessed. But…yes there is always that but!
Off-late I have heard of a lot of couples and marriages that are facing issues – some of people really close to me. And it’s taking a toll on me. I am beginning to re-assess what marriage means, the concept of independence, what it really takes to keep a relationship going and yes- how to manage expectations. I cannot seem to decide if the answer lies in trying to get the expectations met (from yourself as well as people in your life) or having no expectations and letting life always pleasantly surprise you. I have begun to implement the latter – yet somehow, it’s not bringing me much happiness. It’s making me cynical and pessimistic. Perhaps, idealism is not meant for me and I’m too human to be that strong. Perhaps it’s time to try something new.
We all have our emotional baggage that needs to be dealt with – and while someone can help ease the process – the clearance process can be done only on your own. Same goes for careers. You can get guidance, help and support – but you have to walk the path and take the steps and decisions yourself. And somewhere that scary thought is hitting me- and filling me with a strange numbness. That while I am no longer alone, I still need to be as strong, as independent and as capable of doing everything, of fighting all those battles – coz while the process may be a lot easier with someone holding my hand, dealing with it all is something only I can do.
Hum of the Day
At a recent Goa holiday, Kanwar said something which he heard that has stayed with me – “happiness is a state of mind and until one is happy with himself, looking for happiness is like hunting with your eyes blindfolded”. Profound, simple and true.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Playing God
I recently finished reading this book called “If God Was a Banker”. The title caught my eye and it also came recommended as a good read. After a long time, here is a book that I simultaneously wanted to and didn’t want to read.
For the uninitiated, it is a book about 2 guys who begin their careers together. One is a “Tam-Brahm” (TB) who has struggled against all the odds one can think of to educate himself and reach where he has. He exudes traditional middle-class hard working values and lives his life by very simple principals. He believes in intuition and will not do anything that’s against what he considers right. His expectations from life are not small; he just has the patience to wait and the grit to fight for his scruples. The other is a slightly full-of-himself (I’m trying to be kind) urban-bred Mr. Know-It-All (KIA) predictably without any scruples. He will do what he needs to get where he has to. He will give up his personal loyalty (to his wife as well) just to get ahead.
The book begins with this Mr.-Know-It-All and talks of some big event which ruined everything. It’s a fairly fast read that comfortably flits between the present and past. I found myself reasonably hooked and wanting to know what happened. To cut a long story short, Mr. KIA and TB, both are pedigreed IIM graduates who join a Global retail bank looking to set up base in India. They get a lucky break together to set up the business.
Predictably, they take different routes to get what they want. Mr. KIA quickly learns the joy of short-cuts and glib talking and the thrill of cheating and lying. Again, predictably, he “loses” in love when the girl he wants falls for someone he believes in unsuitably for society i.e. Mr. TB. He ends up marrying someone he has a fling with and thereafter goes on to continuously cheat on her. He leads double lives with such ease that I actually had goose bumps reading. The author makes it seem so simple – if this is even close to reality (which unfortunately it is), it’s as sad a situation as I could imagine. A wife at home waiting for you and expecting you to be honest and, without blinking an eye, to just lie through all the transgressions I can imagine. To do anything to get that promotion, to make your work you life and to be hedonistic to an extent that is shameful is probably the reality of corporate life but it’s far away from nice.
In contrast, Mr. TB marrying a nice girl who helps him to build the life he never imagined. He gets the career he wanted, he fights all odds and in the end – you got it right, he does triumph (remember the beginning where Mr. KIA had a mishap which makes his life fall apart – “shockingly: his sins catch up with him). It was really predictable but nice and eerie but real - a book of complete contrasts.
The God of the story is a well connected senior banker who is a balance between TB and KIA. He knows where to draw the lines and knows where to pull the strings. He has the answers and knows how to decide. Perhaps that’s what I liked about the book – simple balance and prudence is really the answer.
Hum of the Day
No one enjoys the complete journey, but somewhere we learn the tricks of the trade and we survive. We play the God to our own lives. Unfortunately, there is no rule book. We sort of have to write that ourselves as well.
For the uninitiated, it is a book about 2 guys who begin their careers together. One is a “Tam-Brahm” (TB) who has struggled against all the odds one can think of to educate himself and reach where he has. He exudes traditional middle-class hard working values and lives his life by very simple principals. He believes in intuition and will not do anything that’s against what he considers right. His expectations from life are not small; he just has the patience to wait and the grit to fight for his scruples. The other is a slightly full-of-himself (I’m trying to be kind) urban-bred Mr. Know-It-All (KIA) predictably without any scruples. He will do what he needs to get where he has to. He will give up his personal loyalty (to his wife as well) just to get ahead.
The book begins with this Mr.-Know-It-All and talks of some big event which ruined everything. It’s a fairly fast read that comfortably flits between the present and past. I found myself reasonably hooked and wanting to know what happened. To cut a long story short, Mr. KIA and TB, both are pedigreed IIM graduates who join a Global retail bank looking to set up base in India. They get a lucky break together to set up the business.
Predictably, they take different routes to get what they want. Mr. KIA quickly learns the joy of short-cuts and glib talking and the thrill of cheating and lying. Again, predictably, he “loses” in love when the girl he wants falls for someone he believes in unsuitably for society i.e. Mr. TB. He ends up marrying someone he has a fling with and thereafter goes on to continuously cheat on her. He leads double lives with such ease that I actually had goose bumps reading. The author makes it seem so simple – if this is even close to reality (which unfortunately it is), it’s as sad a situation as I could imagine. A wife at home waiting for you and expecting you to be honest and, without blinking an eye, to just lie through all the transgressions I can imagine. To do anything to get that promotion, to make your work you life and to be hedonistic to an extent that is shameful is probably the reality of corporate life but it’s far away from nice.
In contrast, Mr. TB marrying a nice girl who helps him to build the life he never imagined. He gets the career he wanted, he fights all odds and in the end – you got it right, he does triumph (remember the beginning where Mr. KIA had a mishap which makes his life fall apart – “shockingly: his sins catch up with him). It was really predictable but nice and eerie but real - a book of complete contrasts.
The God of the story is a well connected senior banker who is a balance between TB and KIA. He knows where to draw the lines and knows where to pull the strings. He has the answers and knows how to decide. Perhaps that’s what I liked about the book – simple balance and prudence is really the answer.
Hum of the Day
No one enjoys the complete journey, but somewhere we learn the tricks of the trade and we survive. We play the God to our own lives. Unfortunately, there is no rule book. We sort of have to write that ourselves as well.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Expect More
I saw 2 very disparate movies over the past few weeks. The first was Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and the other Ghajini.
What can is say about a movie where the woman cannot recognize her husband just because he no longer has a dorky mustache and hairstyle and wears differently styled clothes? It was a light-hearted one-man show. The message they wanted to give out was simple enough – love must be honest, must surpass all sorts of boundaries (including those of logic), beliefs and has to necessarily be total in nature. That its ok to waver, its ok to like the flamboyant guy who makes you laugh and makes you have a good time but in the end, it’s the simple sweet one who would do anything for you in the world is the one who finally pulls at your heart strings.
I don’t think I will ever understand why this conception exists in the Indian mindset. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive, pushy and flamboyant. Just because someone is that way, is no reason to presume they will be a certain way. But we perpetuate these stereotypes all through our lives. The guy with the flashy sunglasses has to be obnoxious. The pretty well dressed girl must be snooty and therefore good to have fun with and nothing else. Walk into a room and you can feel people sizing you up based on the way you walk, talk eat, drink, dress – the list is endless. Yet, when you think about it, how many people who you know really well, have really lived out these perceptions. Often, the most flashy guy will be the most soft-hearted guy and make an awesome friend. The gorgeous woman with an air about her may be just shy or self conscious or may have that air to protect herself against people who judge her. The badly dressed guy with poor vocal skills may be a victim of a lack of exposure but may have the most intelligent thoughts. Every single person is a cocktail – it’s a mix that has to appeal. Somewhere, what we like to see on screen – is that the mix is completely perfect and universally acceptable. Even the most perfectly made margarita is not universally acceptable. You would expect more from people.
Ghajini – well it was weird on a whole different level. Well acted (a tad on the over-done side), a completely copied story line and misplaced (yet awesome) set of songs. While RNBD had someone who could not recognize stuff and use her head while she was completely in her senses, Ghajini had a person with severe amnesia, leading life with unexplained precision. No explanation as to how he begun to realize he had to live life that way. How he managed initially– and a host of other logical gaps- creative license is what its called I presume.
What struck me quite a bit again was the naïveté of the female lead. She can’t seem to see what evident to everyone around. Made me wonder – do we not like to see things just because they may be too unbelievable for us to digest? Its easier to presume ones own opinion to begin with still holds – because if we admit that things may not be what they seem or as easy as we like to believe, we may have to let go – and that’s never a pleasant or easy thought to live with. Another obvious observation – why is it that the women are the ones portrayed with the lowest level of logic? In both RBDN and Ghajini – inability to see the obvious seems to be a natural gift. When in reality, women usually have a reasonably good level of intuition and when dealing with people can often be at least (as much if not more) astute than is expected. So is expected the operative word?
Hum of the day:
Expectations form the basis of how we see life and things. It is recommended that for peace, renounce expectations. Do and don’t expect. Impracticality abounds a lot of our lives. To be human is to expect. To expect is to dream. And a life without dreams is mere existence.
What can is say about a movie where the woman cannot recognize her husband just because he no longer has a dorky mustache and hairstyle and wears differently styled clothes? It was a light-hearted one-man show. The message they wanted to give out was simple enough – love must be honest, must surpass all sorts of boundaries (including those of logic), beliefs and has to necessarily be total in nature. That its ok to waver, its ok to like the flamboyant guy who makes you laugh and makes you have a good time but in the end, it’s the simple sweet one who would do anything for you in the world is the one who finally pulls at your heart strings.
I don’t think I will ever understand why this conception exists in the Indian mindset. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive, pushy and flamboyant. Just because someone is that way, is no reason to presume they will be a certain way. But we perpetuate these stereotypes all through our lives. The guy with the flashy sunglasses has to be obnoxious. The pretty well dressed girl must be snooty and therefore good to have fun with and nothing else. Walk into a room and you can feel people sizing you up based on the way you walk, talk eat, drink, dress – the list is endless. Yet, when you think about it, how many people who you know really well, have really lived out these perceptions. Often, the most flashy guy will be the most soft-hearted guy and make an awesome friend. The gorgeous woman with an air about her may be just shy or self conscious or may have that air to protect herself against people who judge her. The badly dressed guy with poor vocal skills may be a victim of a lack of exposure but may have the most intelligent thoughts. Every single person is a cocktail – it’s a mix that has to appeal. Somewhere, what we like to see on screen – is that the mix is completely perfect and universally acceptable. Even the most perfectly made margarita is not universally acceptable. You would expect more from people.
Ghajini – well it was weird on a whole different level. Well acted (a tad on the over-done side), a completely copied story line and misplaced (yet awesome) set of songs. While RNBD had someone who could not recognize stuff and use her head while she was completely in her senses, Ghajini had a person with severe amnesia, leading life with unexplained precision. No explanation as to how he begun to realize he had to live life that way. How he managed initially– and a host of other logical gaps- creative license is what its called I presume.
What struck me quite a bit again was the naïveté of the female lead. She can’t seem to see what evident to everyone around. Made me wonder – do we not like to see things just because they may be too unbelievable for us to digest? Its easier to presume ones own opinion to begin with still holds – because if we admit that things may not be what they seem or as easy as we like to believe, we may have to let go – and that’s never a pleasant or easy thought to live with. Another obvious observation – why is it that the women are the ones portrayed with the lowest level of logic? In both RBDN and Ghajini – inability to see the obvious seems to be a natural gift. When in reality, women usually have a reasonably good level of intuition and when dealing with people can often be at least (as much if not more) astute than is expected. So is expected the operative word?
Hum of the day:
Expectations form the basis of how we see life and things. It is recommended that for peace, renounce expectations. Do and don’t expect. Impracticality abounds a lot of our lives. To be human is to expect. To expect is to dream. And a life without dreams is mere existence.
The world will go around
After a long hiatus from writing, I am back to it. The past 2 months have seen the world around me go crazy in more than one way. I work in the line of finance, most of my friends are in a similar line of work and with the markets the way they are, doom abounds almost all conversation. But this is not specific to of finance professional because the world is an interconnected place. And this is a difficult time for everyone – especially for my generation i.e. people who entered the world of high-paying employment about 3-5 years ago. Because this is the blessed generation – or so we thought!
We began our careers with a silver spoon – institute, degree and caliber were compensated handsomely and perhaps more than was deserved. The market had more demand for our skilled manpower and hence sky-rocketing packages, mushrooming small businesses and a thriving consuming class. My colleagues and friends (and perhaps me as well) planned their lives assuming they would be able to live their dreams – and when the market kept growing and delivering – the dreams got bigger and the goals more ambitious. So assuming the salary would come in at the same level, assets were bought (often on loan), and deals were struck, personal decisions and life-plans were made. Then, one day, the euphoria was rudely punctured. We all saw the signs, most people knew trouble was brewing- but did anyone really anticipate this kind of a downturn – god knows!
Suddenly, the steady income was a problem. Suddenly those dreams looked further away or had to be put on hold with little hope of revival to that level. Our parents will say they have weathered these cycles, that was goes around comes around etc. But I somehow feel they lived in a slightly different world. The sheer quantum of money involved has inflated expectations to unimaginable level. So while a small house was enough to keep our parents happy, our generation dreams of the condo. While a fiat was an aspiration once, today, these material assets have taken a whole new proportion.
What is disturbing, however, is that the faith is diminishing. In a lot of urban circles, marriages are breaking, loneliness, poor health etc is relatively rampant and life is just not what it seems like it was for a generation before us. Somewhere, work-life and professional success has become a barometer for life in general. So now what happens in an environment where that barometer may not be available for so many? What happens to relationships, to life plans, to those dreams people had together or individually. Can they survive this downturn? Can they still be seen – maybe further ahead that’s all. Or will this mean going back to the drawing board – in life and work? Will it see relationships re-defined almost as much as pay-packages and work ethic? Will a generation that somewhere has got used to commanding and demanding, have to finally start really working, understanding and earning?
They say this recession will shake out the system, will consolidate and re-define towards more leaner, cautious and durable systems. Perhaps the recession will also take us back to a more grounded personal existence as well. Yes, this change is at a price, but I believe things happen when they are most needed. Maybe without this shakeout, no one would have even known they were in a mess. This could be a chance at re-evaluation and a honing of survival skills – only in a difference sort of jungle.
Hum of the day:
At times, love makes the world go around. At others, its money and somewhere it is also fear. But what makes the world survive at all is sheer faith. Faith that whatever it is that is making the world go around; the world will continue to go around. What’s lost will be found- as will the sheer will to look for it.
We began our careers with a silver spoon – institute, degree and caliber were compensated handsomely and perhaps more than was deserved. The market had more demand for our skilled manpower and hence sky-rocketing packages, mushrooming small businesses and a thriving consuming class. My colleagues and friends (and perhaps me as well) planned their lives assuming they would be able to live their dreams – and when the market kept growing and delivering – the dreams got bigger and the goals more ambitious. So assuming the salary would come in at the same level, assets were bought (often on loan), and deals were struck, personal decisions and life-plans were made. Then, one day, the euphoria was rudely punctured. We all saw the signs, most people knew trouble was brewing- but did anyone really anticipate this kind of a downturn – god knows!
Suddenly, the steady income was a problem. Suddenly those dreams looked further away or had to be put on hold with little hope of revival to that level. Our parents will say they have weathered these cycles, that was goes around comes around etc. But I somehow feel they lived in a slightly different world. The sheer quantum of money involved has inflated expectations to unimaginable level. So while a small house was enough to keep our parents happy, our generation dreams of the condo. While a fiat was an aspiration once, today, these material assets have taken a whole new proportion.
What is disturbing, however, is that the faith is diminishing. In a lot of urban circles, marriages are breaking, loneliness, poor health etc is relatively rampant and life is just not what it seems like it was for a generation before us. Somewhere, work-life and professional success has become a barometer for life in general. So now what happens in an environment where that barometer may not be available for so many? What happens to relationships, to life plans, to those dreams people had together or individually. Can they survive this downturn? Can they still be seen – maybe further ahead that’s all. Or will this mean going back to the drawing board – in life and work? Will it see relationships re-defined almost as much as pay-packages and work ethic? Will a generation that somewhere has got used to commanding and demanding, have to finally start really working, understanding and earning?
They say this recession will shake out the system, will consolidate and re-define towards more leaner, cautious and durable systems. Perhaps the recession will also take us back to a more grounded personal existence as well. Yes, this change is at a price, but I believe things happen when they are most needed. Maybe without this shakeout, no one would have even known they were in a mess. This could be a chance at re-evaluation and a honing of survival skills – only in a difference sort of jungle.
Hum of the day:
At times, love makes the world go around. At others, its money and somewhere it is also fear. But what makes the world survive at all is sheer faith. Faith that whatever it is that is making the world go around; the world will continue to go around. What’s lost will be found- as will the sheer will to look for it.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Weird is just a reality
Each day, most of us worry about our lives – will my financial model have no errors, will that client take my call, how do I deal with the troublesome customer, how do I appease my boss, will I get a bonus, will I get food to eat, will my kid get admission- etc the list is endless. Our lives, therefore, become a series of measures to ensure that the worries do not fructify.
When practicing meditation, each person has their own methodology. One of the methods I found most relaxing in an odd sort of way was to focus on myself and then to slowly zoom-out. I mean, I start with concentrating on myself, move on to my room, house, building block, housing complex, my city etc until I am seeing the world as a tiny dot from a satellite. Sounds insane on so many levels but it provided a perspective that allowed me to just take a deep breath and just know that what I was worrying about was just not big enough.
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield talks of an interesting concept – that when life began, humanity’s primary concern was finding out the purpose of life and this quest formed the fabric of life. Finding it unable to arrive at satisfactory answers, mankind dispatched a set of trusted people in search for a universally acceptable truth. In the meanwhile, they got down to their own lives. As part of this settling down into a routine, they looked for means to life more comfortable – resulting in the comforts and life we see today. Somewhere in the background, the search still continues.
Perhaps that is the reason why we lead our lives the way we do- because our own life is all that we can control anyway. Somewhere, the helplessness that is associated with the prospect of something beyond us guiding our lives, adds to uncertainty, which adds to discomfort. But that uncertainty has a way of hitting us anyway – and usually when we least need it. Usually, a global economic meltdown is ill timed to arrive just when you needed that high bonus, or, just when you could not handle your boss another day. You will have that breakup just when u know you need someone in your life the most. Someone will walk into your life when you need it the least. You could be benched just when the work is getting interesting. Life is weird.
On the other hand, usually, while the big picture of a meltdown has little good that it can do, it can lead to a clean-up. Not just of businesses but of mind-sets. Realistic expectations from work and life, sustainable salaries and perhaps the time to figure out what else a job can provide besides money. A breakup usually results in introspection and someone walking into your life can never be a bad thing. Life is weird.
It has a way of being unexpected. Of throwing curve balls that are impossible to predict. But then that’s what makes the match interesting. If you knew the outcome and you knew the process – life would have just been a ride in an amusement park – without any worries and a detached excitement. Thankfully, the attachment, the worry, the fear and the excitement puts the life into life.
Hum of the day
Happiness and peace are goals we try to achieve. Detachment and control are tools we use. Even if life were an engineering project, only if you put both your heart and head into it, will you get a result you want. Anything without that is just a result you will strive to better. Sort of defeats the need of peace does it not?
When practicing meditation, each person has their own methodology. One of the methods I found most relaxing in an odd sort of way was to focus on myself and then to slowly zoom-out. I mean, I start with concentrating on myself, move on to my room, house, building block, housing complex, my city etc until I am seeing the world as a tiny dot from a satellite. Sounds insane on so many levels but it provided a perspective that allowed me to just take a deep breath and just know that what I was worrying about was just not big enough.
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield talks of an interesting concept – that when life began, humanity’s primary concern was finding out the purpose of life and this quest formed the fabric of life. Finding it unable to arrive at satisfactory answers, mankind dispatched a set of trusted people in search for a universally acceptable truth. In the meanwhile, they got down to their own lives. As part of this settling down into a routine, they looked for means to life more comfortable – resulting in the comforts and life we see today. Somewhere in the background, the search still continues.
Perhaps that is the reason why we lead our lives the way we do- because our own life is all that we can control anyway. Somewhere, the helplessness that is associated with the prospect of something beyond us guiding our lives, adds to uncertainty, which adds to discomfort. But that uncertainty has a way of hitting us anyway – and usually when we least need it. Usually, a global economic meltdown is ill timed to arrive just when you needed that high bonus, or, just when you could not handle your boss another day. You will have that breakup just when u know you need someone in your life the most. Someone will walk into your life when you need it the least. You could be benched just when the work is getting interesting. Life is weird.
On the other hand, usually, while the big picture of a meltdown has little good that it can do, it can lead to a clean-up. Not just of businesses but of mind-sets. Realistic expectations from work and life, sustainable salaries and perhaps the time to figure out what else a job can provide besides money. A breakup usually results in introspection and someone walking into your life can never be a bad thing. Life is weird.
It has a way of being unexpected. Of throwing curve balls that are impossible to predict. But then that’s what makes the match interesting. If you knew the outcome and you knew the process – life would have just been a ride in an amusement park – without any worries and a detached excitement. Thankfully, the attachment, the worry, the fear and the excitement puts the life into life.
Hum of the day
Happiness and peace are goals we try to achieve. Detachment and control are tools we use. Even if life were an engineering project, only if you put both your heart and head into it, will you get a result you want. Anything without that is just a result you will strive to better. Sort of defeats the need of peace does it not?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thinking is not even a step
Today I saw Rock On for a second time. Something about that movie really touches a chord with me. I think it’s the fact that I have always believed that somewhere within myself I have a creative streak. Writing has been a hobby since I can remember. One of my most pleasant and exciting memories of achievement was the publication of my articles in a national magazine. I used to want to make a career related to books and/or writing. I seriously considered journalism as a career. But then logic prevailed as did some serious reality checks from family about what kind of life it would entail – and I chose mainstream management and now I am a corporate financial professional!
Mixology (a novel by Mainik Dhar) talks about mixing up life. Of adding a bit of everything to make a long island iced tea that is interesting enough to give you that slight high of life (this of course is my interpretation). I wonder if there is anything that can be done to do just that. Adi, of Rock On, certainly manages to, Mainak also has managed it. I have a cousin who has a band while he manages his corporate job. I wonder if it’s me. If I am looking for excuses to just not try and give my life a chance – to take the easy route of doing what everyone does. Or if I am being presumptuous by thinking that I CAN do more.
Today, while watching the movie, I recalled a discussion among my friends while in college. We were talking about how being able to do something creative – a talent- is not something that everyone has, and each of us had sworn to try and keep - what were then hobbies and beliefs- alive. But when I see myself, and a lot of my friends, I wonder how many of us kept that promise.
We get caught up in life. We do what it demands of us and gather the tangible and measurable merits of a main-stream existence. I think it’s just easy. It’s easy because it provides the amenities and life that is expected out of us. I for one am used to certain comforts and a life-style. I have been brought up to take pride in certain achievements – degrees, promotions, excellence. And I’m not saying this in a sense that I think there is anything wrong with that life. I just can’t help think – time and again – if that is all my life will be. I think it’s in my own hands. I have been told that it is. I just get a little helpless to get those hands moving and try.
Hum of the Day
Taking a first step is sometimes not enough. Having it in you to keep taking the subsequent ones is usually the bigger challenge.
Mixology (a novel by Mainik Dhar) talks about mixing up life. Of adding a bit of everything to make a long island iced tea that is interesting enough to give you that slight high of life (this of course is my interpretation). I wonder if there is anything that can be done to do just that. Adi, of Rock On, certainly manages to, Mainak also has managed it. I have a cousin who has a band while he manages his corporate job. I wonder if it’s me. If I am looking for excuses to just not try and give my life a chance – to take the easy route of doing what everyone does. Or if I am being presumptuous by thinking that I CAN do more.
Today, while watching the movie, I recalled a discussion among my friends while in college. We were talking about how being able to do something creative – a talent- is not something that everyone has, and each of us had sworn to try and keep - what were then hobbies and beliefs- alive. But when I see myself, and a lot of my friends, I wonder how many of us kept that promise.
We get caught up in life. We do what it demands of us and gather the tangible and measurable merits of a main-stream existence. I think it’s just easy. It’s easy because it provides the amenities and life that is expected out of us. I for one am used to certain comforts and a life-style. I have been brought up to take pride in certain achievements – degrees, promotions, excellence. And I’m not saying this in a sense that I think there is anything wrong with that life. I just can’t help think – time and again – if that is all my life will be. I think it’s in my own hands. I have been told that it is. I just get a little helpless to get those hands moving and try.
Hum of the Day
Taking a first step is sometimes not enough. Having it in you to keep taking the subsequent ones is usually the bigger challenge.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wishing the balancing effect away... or am I?
We live in a world of such contradiction that most of us have given up even thinking about it. It’s like when I was a child I used to shut my eyes assuming that if I could not see something bad, it was not real. But at least I have that option. Or I did. I just can’t help wonder how long I will have that option. Beyond a point in is in my face. And yet, I am helpless.
Yesterday, it was raining in Delhi. At around 7 in the evening I braved my car onto the traffic-laden streets. I was pretty much cursing infrastructure, or rather the lack of it, drainage, cars, office etc. After taking 20 min to cover a 5 minute patch I reached the only signal between my house and my office. Someone tapped on my window. I was about to just wave away the usual beggars when I just happened to look up. Staring at me was this child who was not more than 10-12 years old. It was pouring, he was without any kind of shield and the site of him just somehow has not left my mind.
A few days a go I remember driving past the corner of the same road and watching a family. It was a rainy day then too. A family was at breakfast - amidst rush hour traffic, in a hut, on a gas stove. But what struck me that day as I was waiting for the car ahead of me to move was the fact that they were still a family. They were laughing, sharing food and getting ready to begin their day. Happiness perhaps is a state of mind.
The boy was the same. Happy one morning while in the security of his home. Two evenings later he was in the rain crying and shivering. I wonder if they had their meal that night.
Life isn’t fair. There is something called law of averages… I have always believed in it. But what happens when one side of the scale is so low that the average is just not acceptable? Does it not require a helping hand to tip the scale? What happens when there is no helping hand? When day turns to night and night turns to day and hope of a meal is all that probably keeps a family going.
There are some things I wish I had answers to. There are others I know I have to be grateful for. Perspective and a reality check is one of them.
Hum of the day
The heart and mind understand our need for balance. Perhaps that’s why people in what are definitely inhuman conditions find it in themselves to laugh from the heart. It is also why people, who are blessed, find and often have reasons to be unhappy. I wonder how much of it is really in our hands. Is it just natures way of keeping the perspective alive?
Yesterday, it was raining in Delhi. At around 7 in the evening I braved my car onto the traffic-laden streets. I was pretty much cursing infrastructure, or rather the lack of it, drainage, cars, office etc. After taking 20 min to cover a 5 minute patch I reached the only signal between my house and my office. Someone tapped on my window. I was about to just wave away the usual beggars when I just happened to look up. Staring at me was this child who was not more than 10-12 years old. It was pouring, he was without any kind of shield and the site of him just somehow has not left my mind.
A few days a go I remember driving past the corner of the same road and watching a family. It was a rainy day then too. A family was at breakfast - amidst rush hour traffic, in a hut, on a gas stove. But what struck me that day as I was waiting for the car ahead of me to move was the fact that they were still a family. They were laughing, sharing food and getting ready to begin their day. Happiness perhaps is a state of mind.
The boy was the same. Happy one morning while in the security of his home. Two evenings later he was in the rain crying and shivering. I wonder if they had their meal that night.
Life isn’t fair. There is something called law of averages… I have always believed in it. But what happens when one side of the scale is so low that the average is just not acceptable? Does it not require a helping hand to tip the scale? What happens when there is no helping hand? When day turns to night and night turns to day and hope of a meal is all that probably keeps a family going.
There are some things I wish I had answers to. There are others I know I have to be grateful for. Perspective and a reality check is one of them.
Hum of the day
The heart and mind understand our need for balance. Perhaps that’s why people in what are definitely inhuman conditions find it in themselves to laugh from the heart. It is also why people, who are blessed, find and often have reasons to be unhappy. I wonder how much of it is really in our hands. Is it just natures way of keeping the perspective alive?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Midnight Philosophy
Self respect is a strange concept. I have often wondered what exactly it is. Is it being able to look yourself in the eye every morning or is it being able to sleep at night? In my world, these are two events that often do not happen together. I can look myself in the eye almost always – because basic habits and up-bringing ensure that I rarely do things that I will be ashamed of. Sleeping at night, well that’s a function of decisions made and actions taken thereafter. And that determines the respect I have for my decisions. Respect, unfortunately, becomes a relative term.
I remember repeated conversations with my closest friends about how a decision is valid only in a given situation and you make it based on the best information available. Why then is it that it is so difficult for people to forgive themselves for decisions made in the past when new information comes their way. If I acted a certain way, it was because I saw a situation from a certain viewpoint. Today, something moved, and I see something new. Why is it that I berate myself for seeing things the way I did. I did not do anything that was against my self respect – yet, I can’t seem to respect my own decisions and judgment.
Forgiveness is easy. It really is -but only when it pertains to someone else. The reason is that while you can lie to another person, you can’t ever fool yourself. You always know what is irking you. To learn to deceive your own self is an art undiscovered. But to let go, is a tool we use- it’s what I call the out of sight out of mind system. Remember how as a child, you closed your eyes when something unpleasant happened in the hope that because you cant see, no one can see you and it never happened. That carries us through our lives. When you find it the most difficult to deal with, let it go. No right and wrong here. Its just survival – if you can’t control it, there is no limit you can put on it. Let it go and for you it will no longer exist. Life is normal again.
Hum of the day
The great part about life is that time and distance are related concepts. With time, distance is created, with distance peace and with peace, somewhere, forgiveness and respect.
I remember repeated conversations with my closest friends about how a decision is valid only in a given situation and you make it based on the best information available. Why then is it that it is so difficult for people to forgive themselves for decisions made in the past when new information comes their way. If I acted a certain way, it was because I saw a situation from a certain viewpoint. Today, something moved, and I see something new. Why is it that I berate myself for seeing things the way I did. I did not do anything that was against my self respect – yet, I can’t seem to respect my own decisions and judgment.
Forgiveness is easy. It really is -but only when it pertains to someone else. The reason is that while you can lie to another person, you can’t ever fool yourself. You always know what is irking you. To learn to deceive your own self is an art undiscovered. But to let go, is a tool we use- it’s what I call the out of sight out of mind system. Remember how as a child, you closed your eyes when something unpleasant happened in the hope that because you cant see, no one can see you and it never happened. That carries us through our lives. When you find it the most difficult to deal with, let it go. No right and wrong here. Its just survival – if you can’t control it, there is no limit you can put on it. Let it go and for you it will no longer exist. Life is normal again.
Hum of the day
The great part about life is that time and distance are related concepts. With time, distance is created, with distance peace and with peace, somewhere, forgiveness and respect.
Unknown to me
“I have a dream, A song to sing, To help me cope, with anything. If you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can take the future, even if you fail. I believe in angels, something good in everything I see. I cross the stream, I have a dream.”
One of my favorite songs from childhood – always makes me smile. Today, it makes me wonder what the writer of that song must have been experiencing to feel a desperate need to express a hope for optimism. To give him/her that inspiration and motivation to move on, to let go of things in the hope that better would be around the corner – to need to know that if the distance was covered, that was a step towards a better world.
For a long time I have been writing – and it’s cathartic for me. Therefore, I was stumped with myself when I no longer could. I think I was afraid of facing what would flow from me if I allowed myself to write. But I also knew somewhere, some day I would have to, in order for me to cross the stream - today is that day.
I held on tight to a dream
Unknown to me its strength
I help on tight to a hope
Unknown to me the end
A need to know the truth
An urge to make it true
A call to take a step
Unknown to me it was back
A look around of me
Somehow clearly I see
Unknown to me a life
Unknown to me the truth
A decision to move ahead
Unknown to me the hope
A decision to take a step
To forgive myself the road
Unknown to me a smile
A surprise upon my eyes
Unknown to me freedom
A new beginning became known.
Hum of the day
Life is full of surprises. It’s the most pleasant when you surprise yourself.
One of my favorite songs from childhood – always makes me smile. Today, it makes me wonder what the writer of that song must have been experiencing to feel a desperate need to express a hope for optimism. To give him/her that inspiration and motivation to move on, to let go of things in the hope that better would be around the corner – to need to know that if the distance was covered, that was a step towards a better world.
For a long time I have been writing – and it’s cathartic for me. Therefore, I was stumped with myself when I no longer could. I think I was afraid of facing what would flow from me if I allowed myself to write. But I also knew somewhere, some day I would have to, in order for me to cross the stream - today is that day.
I held on tight to a dream
Unknown to me its strength
I help on tight to a hope
Unknown to me the end
A need to know the truth
An urge to make it true
A call to take a step
Unknown to me it was back
A look around of me
Somehow clearly I see
Unknown to me a life
Unknown to me the truth
A decision to move ahead
Unknown to me the hope
A decision to take a step
To forgive myself the road
Unknown to me a smile
A surprise upon my eyes
Unknown to me freedom
A new beginning became known.
Hum of the day
Life is full of surprises. It’s the most pleasant when you surprise yourself.
Would a map help?
I read this book (I think it was called When You Meet Buddha on the Road Shoot Him – I’m not sure). It began with a thought that has stuck with me – one of the biggest causes of unhappiness is the belief that there is a purpose to our life. There isn’t. Living is what we are meant to do, the ups and downs, the good and bad, the experience of it all is our only purpose. We give ourselves a lot of unhappiness because we try to extract from it something which is not. It is in living that you will actually achieve what you were given life for. That’s the answer to a happy life – just live it.
That’s easy enough to when things are at a level where you feel you can control it- but when the course veers off-track, that’s when I know I have a tendency to look for some other purpose – some higher goal of life. I think it gives me the comfort that things are happening for a reason – that the madness around me is not just a random. Because randomness scares me like nothing else. Because I can’t seem to be able to fence in the extent to which it can be unpleasant. I rarely find myself wanting to fence in the good – no surprises there.
I have gone through a lot of life philosophies – one where I believed I could control life, where I believed I could not control life only myself to one where I believed nothing is in my hands. Today I seem to have settled for a mid-path. I control the route which controls which of the limited end goals I will reach. In other words, I have come to believe my life is like a maze – one of those puzzles we used to solve as kids where you need to find 1 of 3 or four alternative treasures- you can wind down various roads and depending which you will chose, you will get what’s at the end. My hope is that the treasures don’t differ dramatically. My gut is that they do. My wish is that I chose correctly.
Hum of the day
I met a schoolboy of the present-past today. Crisply ironed shirt, well matched shoes and trousers, neat hair, confident stride with a backpack. I smiled as he walked into his cabin, opened his backpack to remove his laptop and get to his task for the day with the same enthusiasm as that of a child entering school. I wonder if anything has changed. We are all just children - working first to learn to be able to make a living, then to make that living. Somewhere we forget to do what we are trying to – live.
That’s easy enough to when things are at a level where you feel you can control it- but when the course veers off-track, that’s when I know I have a tendency to look for some other purpose – some higher goal of life. I think it gives me the comfort that things are happening for a reason – that the madness around me is not just a random. Because randomness scares me like nothing else. Because I can’t seem to be able to fence in the extent to which it can be unpleasant. I rarely find myself wanting to fence in the good – no surprises there.
I have gone through a lot of life philosophies – one where I believed I could control life, where I believed I could not control life only myself to one where I believed nothing is in my hands. Today I seem to have settled for a mid-path. I control the route which controls which of the limited end goals I will reach. In other words, I have come to believe my life is like a maze – one of those puzzles we used to solve as kids where you need to find 1 of 3 or four alternative treasures- you can wind down various roads and depending which you will chose, you will get what’s at the end. My hope is that the treasures don’t differ dramatically. My gut is that they do. My wish is that I chose correctly.
Hum of the day
I met a schoolboy of the present-past today. Crisply ironed shirt, well matched shoes and trousers, neat hair, confident stride with a backpack. I smiled as he walked into his cabin, opened his backpack to remove his laptop and get to his task for the day with the same enthusiasm as that of a child entering school. I wonder if anything has changed. We are all just children - working first to learn to be able to make a living, then to make that living. Somewhere we forget to do what we are trying to – live.
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