Optinal Options

I went and saw Aamir on Saturday. And for the past half an hour I have been trying to write about it and have been trying to frame my thoughts. And it is not working. Perhaps because the movie is a one of such stark contrasts – of goodness and loyalty; of destruction and betrayal and of fear and survival- that I do not know what to really think. So I am choosing not to. I am instead going to focus on what I felt while watching it.

It was scary in a very real sense. The protagonist is part of the present generation - capitalist and ready to carve his niche in the world. He believes that his decisions control his life and that his destiny is what he makes of it. He believes that every single individual not matter how destitute, always has an option to chose paths and to create the life they believe is best for them. And he believes that it is not anyone’s place to do that job for another individual.

Do I agree completely? I am not sure. I am one of those who believe that while the broad and basic aspects of life are predetermined, how and when we get there is something we control. So while I may be destined to be doing something, how easy or painful that journey is, depends on the choices I make- and that includes my attitude as well as my actions. I also firmly believe that not everyone has the same choices, but then benchmarks are unequal as well so on some level that balances out and allows each person to move one step up from where they are.

When Aamirs’ life is no longer controlled by him, his sense of desperation is what had me at the edge of my seat. To be governed by someone else, to not know why you are doing what you are doing and to have no idea about the ultimate aim of it all is too uncomfortable to even fathom. Yet, here it was in front of me. One person, one day and complete upheaval of his existence – that’s what I call reality bites!

It got me thinking – in a sense there are a lot of times when I believe that my life and destiny are not really in my hand, I know I rarely know why things happen and all I really do is have faith that its all happening for a reason which is completely unknown to me.

But then the movies’ clincher is what really touched my heart – you do always have a choice. And just like it is believes that a bad apple cannot be turned good, it was really heartening to see that vice-versa works as well. In crises, in madness – it may be possible to actually get a glimpse of the big picture - all it takes is a split second of a nirvana moment. The core of your beliefs and what you know to be right and wrong can actually surface despite all odds and irrespective of consequences. Perhaps that’s what destiny is. It provides that nirvana moment. Recognizing it is where your choice comes in.

Hum of the day
Life is choices. Perhaps the biggest choice is whether or not we want to recognize this.

Paint a Picture

A star right here
The moon up there
Distant beauty
Unknown and rare

Balls of energy
In different shapes
Look too close
The smile will fade

Paint a picture
Step back and see
The color you gave it
Together in totality

The heart can wander the mind can see
The mind can examine, the heart will beat
Perspective and perception
Beauty and direction
Observe, listen, feel
Make a decision.


Positivism and negativity are just concepts. We choose to see the smaller bits but forget to piece them together. Start counting the things in your life which you should be thankful for. I did that today.

I’m grateful for an education, for a family to take care of my needs so I can work for the intellectual (and financial) high that it gives me. For the fact that I am in an environment that intellectually stimulates me enough to have a need to prove myself and work harder- cannot imagine the boredom associated with not having to do that anymore.

I am grateful for friends who trust me enough to remember to call me in their time of need. Even more so for those who complain when I sometime neglect to do the same when I need them. I am blessed for a family that cares enough to want to know about the details of each boring day and to want to advise me as to how it can get better. For a cell phone and mobile connection to connect with people I cannot meet for months together. For friends and family that take me for granted.

I am blessed. I just forget to take a deep breath and put it all together. That’s the difference - it’s half empty when it’s in pieces…together, it a pretty picture that makes me bow in gratitude.

Hum of the day
Life is like needlework. Sowing is just the means- simultaneously enjoyable and arduous. The picture fortunately began pretty and, is always visible for you to see. Just take a glance.

Professionally Personal

Sab neeji hai. That’s my favorite line from Sarkar Raj. Another on exactly the same note is the scene from You’ve Got Mail where Meg Ryan asks Tom Hanks (more or less verbatim) - “why do people always say it’s not personal. All that it means is that it’s not personal to you. It’s personal to someone else. It’s always personal”

Yet, we spend about 80% of our waking hours in an attempt to be professional. Ironic is it not? My company is going through a restructuring whereby new groups are being formed; people are being given options to change teams etc. And that has really got me thinking; because, it’s got me involuntarily hearing. The term competitive corporate world meant little to me for most of my 3 years of being a part of it. Maybe I was just shielded or I chose to turn a blind eye. But this time around, the competition is in my face. I am seeing people at all levels, junior and senior, proving a point, getting their voice heard and showing the next person down (across levels again) – with little regard of the impact it may be having on the other person.

Professional seems to have a new definition. It means knowing what to say, to whom to say it and how to say it; whom to cc and whom to bcc. What to give a verbal response to (and retract later) and what to take in writing. It’s about remembering the right things and of course recognizing what can be utilized at a later stage. It’s all about impressions. I have seen people around me pass other people work off as their own under the guise of helping, of people talking behind the backs of those I thought were friends - seniors bickering and egos clashing. And all I can think is – what of all this behavior is professional.

I may come from a very naive train of though but professional to me meant doing a good honest job- the best job you can do and as per the standards set by the organization. That’s it. That’s where the professional part of work ends. Everything else is just personal.

And what is wrong with that. We are all individuals working. Each one has their own personal reasons for doing the job they are doing. The job has a different meaning for every person – for one it is about proving to be a success, for another, it is money in the bank, and for the third it is just a way to pass their day. And these different agendas must produce a cohesive harmonious work environment. When a job is of personal significance, how can one be detached about it? But then, if that is the case, then a job is more than just a job. And all should not be fair in love and war right? Maybe that’s why it is not. There are lines that should not be crossed. Funny how they have begun to be drawn in chalk.

Hum of the day
The core of what we believe in is blurring under survival tactics. Does anything that’s really fit survive after the tussle? The ability and option to make choices each day thankfully ensure that that decision is not yet made.

Rain Rain Come Again

Monsoons are my spring. There is something about moisture in the air, wet sand and grass and water - lots of it and everywhere. No I do not live in some fantasy world - I do know that water everywhere in reality is murky water logged mucky roads causing hour long traffic jams, muddy shoes and irritable temperaments. But to me- its my spring. It just makes me happy. Despite all the mess.

I may be romanticising it a bit here but to me rains seem to just wash away the past. Its a time for fresh beginnings. The unwanted things that have been conveniently pushed below the surface make an appearance. And when they do- eventually they will be cleaned up. Its like a concept I learnt at AOL- in order for something to bid you goodbye it has to first enter your life and say hi.

We conveniently ignore some things- the baggage piling up in our lives, those cupboards waiting to be sorted, calls waiting to be made, goodbye waiting to be said. And somehow its often not actually finishing these things that is a problem - its the process of beginning the end. Once you take that first step, once that cupboard is emptied- it will be sorted- eventually.

Feng Sui talks of the concept of de-cluttering. How if one aspect of life is clutters, its sort of permeates other aspects. So according to that, messy draws, purses and cupboards are bad news in general from a life perspective. And i usually try and follow that. I'm weird that way. Or then again. Maybe i just try to make sure my life has its regular monsoon- so I can enjoy the simple things without sighing at what surfaces.

Hum of the day
Simple pleasures. The first rain. Sound of raindrops. Children playing with abandon. Laughter from the heart. Monsoons were the most pleasant childhood memories- gum boots, splashing in puddles, sliding down a hill. The smell of monsoon air brings it all back. My childhood returns - it makes me smile.

Lights , camera, action - if only

Words used to come easy to me. Conversational words and most importantly, written words. Off late this has changed. I seem to have run out of things to say. I used to think. About people around me, about what i saw, about what people i knew were going through. In short, I used to think about life- not just my own. But somewhere i seem to have got caught up in my own existence I find my thoughts increasingly preoccupied with myself, my work - my life. And i do not like this change in me.

Yes my job is becoming more demanding; yes I have little room to think in the day, but is that not a choice. I used to consider myself a sort of maverick- someone who could live by my own rules even in a world of madness. But it seems I have surprised myself. In an effort to settle down in a new environment I seem to have lost something - something that made up the essence of me. Then again, if it was so easy to give up maybe it was not the essence of me at all.

I find that thinking seems to get me nowhere. There seems to be so little i can really control. And no matter what i keep saying, the need to control seems to be deeply embedded - in me and in everyone around me.

We control - or we try to control- our lives, professional and personal through a combination fo our thoughts and actions. Its usually our actions. But sometimes, that stray thought you had will come true- that phone will ring, that beep will sound, that email will come- which will be just the person you randomly remembered. These i think are reminders- to restore our faith that, through the madness around, someone is listening- and sometimes, just when you need it most, he will give you that beep to let you know he is listening.

The problem is we try to direct that - to pray, to ask to plead. And that’s, ok. Because if you don’t know what you want, you will not get it. And while going with the flow is fine, a general direction, a decision to cross that rock, to split into those tributaries, to explore that new lane- those decisions lie with us. And knowing that they do, somehow, gives me strength. The strength to keep trying, to keep making those decisions, to attempt to do my bit to give shape to my life. To try and get the life I want.

I look back at a lot of things feeling foolish, but i do not look back wishing I had tried. I thought a direction was right, I thought my life would shape a certain way. While trying, decisions were taken that changed the course. I made more decisions. I keep trying. We all do. Clichés make the world. Clichés give hope. Perhaps hope is the biggest cliché.

Hum of the day
We may be the director of the movie of our lives, but we keep forgetting, it’s being produced by someone else. And we can argue to have our way and we can chose to make things difficult for ourselves, in the end, what the producer believes will yield results is what will be shown. Lucky for us, the producer of life is never wrong.

Count your smiles

Today i have no agenda. Just feel like writing so rambling is what its going to be.

Was thinking about this really bad movie i saw - you me aur hum. But more than the bad part i was thinking about the part of the movie i liked best - the concept of a book of possibilities. Its a really nice concept - to think in such detail about the positive possibilities of your life - sort of like a ready reckoner for the times when you are down. A not so gentle reminder of the dreams you have and the possibility that they might be fulfiled.But now that i think about it.. the bigger challenge can sometimes be knowing what those dreams are to begin with - to have it in you to actually document them. Because that becomes a sort of committment to yourself that you will try and achieve that.

As a small step, here goes a list of my happy things
1) Walking on wet grass on a warm summer night
2) Light early morning sun as a prelude to a hot day
3) Children running aimlessly in garden at 7 a.m
4) A good book, light music and a reading lamp
5) Couples out for their morning exercise together
6) Bru Cappuccinno Mocha as an alternative to office gunk
7) An unexpected shoulder in a time of need
8) A sudden thought from the gut that gives direction through a haze
9) Memories tucked away in little corners to make me smile
10) A glance at the picture on my mobile

Hum of the day
Count your smiles. It has a multiplier effect.

Method to Madness

“Here's to the guys who love us, the losers who lost us...and the lucky ones that get to meet us” – a quote I am pretty sure every woman I know as received at some point in her life. And I am sure there must be some male version of this floating around as well. End of the day we are all just trying to find something that gives us comfort - a thought, an action,that source of happiness. We spend hours belaboring the same issues… and yet the gravity of those issues never recedes nor does a solution really appear. We are just trying to organize something that cannot be organized.

A friend and I spent a couple of hours the other night discussing in great detail about our exact plans for the future. It was almost a step-by step flowchart of how each of our lives should pan out complete with near detailed decision trees of if- this-then-this-else-this. And hearing us you would think we know what we want. But if you have had these discussions you will relate to the fact that the next time one of us is down in the dumps, the same plans will be turned on their head.

I am not really sure why it is so difficult for us to just let go, to let life unfold itself. I am not saying not to take things in your hands, but more a situation of learning to take decisions when a decision box appears before you. For me, one reason is that I am a believer that although your destination may be pre-determined, your choices today will decide the journey. Hence, I try to plan- if this then this.

But there is a method to the madness. Sort of like a work assignment. You start of with a haphazard sense with just the goal in mind, you then get down to planning. Usually, the planning and execution blinds you so you start thinking of small details and forget that all important thing you began with – the big picture. That’s when you need someone to step in and remind you why you are doing what you are doing. You still continue to execute. Its just you are reminded of why you are doing it.

And that is where sometimes just a deep breath and a knock on the head from a friend helps. The trick is to make sure that the sources of reminders stay. The trick is opening up your mind and heart to people around and trusting that they mean well. To put yourself and everything you feel out there. Because if you don’t, ultimately, when you are lost, people will not know how to find you.

Hum of the day
To learn to depend and not think of it as dependence; to seek help and to consider the help a right; being taken for granted is a privilege. If only we remembered to see it that way.

The power to see

Unexpected surprises
Surprising decisions
Standing still
Increasing hesitation

A time to move
A time to stand
A decision to make
That helping hand

I look, I see,I wonder,
I search, I find, I gaze
Hold that thought for a bit longer
Treasure turns to haze

To see the sign to know not where
To want to know , a sign is there
The power to want, to believe it true
To wish a thought and dream it through

Words have a way of putting thoughts into perspective- because in order to describe it you have to think it through. Which is something we often have a tendency to avoid. We have a lot of thoughts but often the thinking is minimal. Its like a closet dumped on the way out to work. You know you can find what you need later, all you have to do is open the cupboard.

Life however, does not allow you to dump, pull out, pick out and dump back. Once opened, you need to sort out a thought. Which is where i see words as a way to add a perspective to the clutter. To sort of give it an order.

Therein lies an insight into myself - i need to control. I cannot deal with ambiguity. And when ambiguity comes my way, i constantly look for reasons or logic for the ambiguity. And that's not pleasant. Because life is about the uncertainty and about the wonder of turning the next corner. And by trying to control and predict whats around the bend, i think i forget to notice that its time to turn.

Hum of the day: A sign is only what I make it symbolise. So when i see a sign- its really hope.

Surprises surprise

I really like the little surprises that life sometimes throws at you... i like them almost as much as the assurances of the stable factors of life.To put things in perspective, let me begin my describing my life. I moved to Delhi from Bombay a little over a year ago. Bombay has been and always will be home. And to a Bombay person (we are not bombay-ites!) delhi never can be home. Anyway, my friends are primarily in Bombay and i have not been able to make new ones here. I attribute that to a combination of my own mental block and some realities of Delhi-ites. Net result is an almost friend-free life.

That's where the assurances of life make me smile. There is something about old friends and people who have known you over a sheer volume of time that is such a comfort. Conversations pick up from the most intimate issues and there is no discussion of inconsequential aspects of life. And the best part is there is completely clarity on the fact that politically correct conversation is inconsequential.

There is also a fresh comfort in the fact that you can meet people for the first time in your life and just hit it off with them with almost the same chemistry with absolutely no rational explanation. And its often best not to even look for that explanation. Because that messes up the chemistry. That's the thing about life, it surprises us pleasantly and that surprises us more than the unpleasant surprises. We start to look for reasons why its happening to us. Ever wonder why? We do not question when bad stuff happens that much, because most of the time, its easy to say life sucks. But when life does not suck, that's when we wonder.

The surprises of life come in all forms. Significant forms like a new friend in an alien city who can sit you through a session of coffee listening to you rant and rave about life like you would with an old friend. Sometimes its really small forms, like there is this 1.5 year old child in my building who has this adorable way of waving to me before i go to work or the watchman in my office building who makes sure he wishes me good morning every morning no matter where he is. These are small things but they surprise me and bring a smile to my face. And while the smile may not be as broad as the smile that an old friend brings, the fact that there are new things that make me smile, that brings the warm glow to fill the void.

Hum of the day: I hope I am the source of surprise in someones life - I haven't tried but now I will.

Don't Want. Don't Have.

My maid’s drunken husband beat her up last night. She told me she gets one meal a day sometimes not even that. Her daughters have never seen school and 2 meals 2 days in a row are a dream they doubt they will achieve. And the shocking part is yet to come – I was NOT shocked. That’s when it hit me. The apathy we have come to exist in. I feel sorry for I feel angry but I am not surprised – a clear indication of the sheer quantum of such episodes all around.

Somewhere I think I am losing perspective on life. Getting caught up in the daily chores of work, in hoping for my own life to sort out and in doing so, enlarging the significance of my own existence. There is a concept of giving yourself too much importance, yet there is the increasing thought that if you do not who will. Is there a correct answer? I doubt it. But here is a simple thought, when feeling like your life is complicated and often unfair, just remember to be grateful – not just for things you have but for things you don’t want and don’t have as well.

Hum of the day: Thank you for giving me a home. Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for giving me parents. Thank you for parents that love me. Thank you for parents that love each other. Thank you for the life that my family has provided me with. Thank you for the security of knowing where every meal will come from. Thank you for never giving me a chance to worry about an unwanted scar on either my body or my soul. Thank you for the ability to recognize the gift you have given me. Thank you.