I was tempted to start this blog(after a 2-3 month hiatus) with an explanation of sorts - about the silence and maybe a bit about how the past few months has been an emotional roller coaster ride – I got engaged and its long distance. But then I realised that the only 2 readers I think I have are my closest friends and hence need no explanations. Hence I’m going to jump right in.
There are a million things that go through my head each day. And yet when asked, these days I can rarely think of anything I want to share or say. It’s a strange sort of numbness that seems to have taken over me. And they say this is supposed to be the best phase of life- courtship. I have had a lot of time on my hands – work is mind numbingly slow- and somewhere it struck me recently how much time I spend thinking! How things are, how things can be, how they should be. The improbable, the ideal, the insane, the fantastical, the fairy tale, the completely practical - it’s all regularly evaluated in my head. And somewhere, I forget that life is about a state of mind- and somehow my mind is all cluttered. This blog is now my first step (again) towards the de-cluttering process.
I sound like someone who is facing a lot of issues, and that’s the weird part – my life is fairly simple. Complications come in the easy to handle form of a messed up career (other people don’t seem to see it that way but if I am unhappy call that messed up) and a relative lack of control on daily aspects of life such as – I want to get fit, I want to get rid of my tendency to fall ill, I want to learn to swim (I have started that process), dealing with separation anxiety (marriage of course!), growing up, taking responsibility for myself and partly for DJ (ok he says this bit is a two way street but it’s still scary). And all this together with a long -distance relationship, work that is boring the intelligence out of me (coz I have so little of it) and hence and empty mind – yeah that’s the recipe for disaster that is driving me crazy.
It’s crazy how much importance we attach to events that are yet to come. Somehow, those are expected to sort out all the gaps we felt this far. So I have spent so much time in the past thinking that somehow, when I have a partner, life will fall into place. Somewhere in my head, personal life and career and hence my whole life – was all interlinked. Ok, it still is. I know that’s a reality. But the weird part is, as much as I love my fiancé and as much happiness, security and stability he brings to my life, it’s really not the magic wand that can sort everything out. Yes, it has sorted out a lot of things – as GR told me today, I now have someone who is with me every step of the way – unconditionally – and that’s something that’s not easy to find. So, I am blessed. But…yes there is always that but!
Off-late I have heard of a lot of couples and marriages that are facing issues – some of people really close to me. And it’s taking a toll on me. I am beginning to re-assess what marriage means, the concept of independence, what it really takes to keep a relationship going and yes- how to manage expectations. I cannot seem to decide if the answer lies in trying to get the expectations met (from yourself as well as people in your life) or having no expectations and letting life always pleasantly surprise you. I have begun to implement the latter – yet somehow, it’s not bringing me much happiness. It’s making me cynical and pessimistic. Perhaps, idealism is not meant for me and I’m too human to be that strong. Perhaps it’s time to try something new.
We all have our emotional baggage that needs to be dealt with – and while someone can help ease the process – the clearance process can be done only on your own. Same goes for careers. You can get guidance, help and support – but you have to walk the path and take the steps and decisions yourself. And somewhere that scary thought is hitting me- and filling me with a strange numbness. That while I am no longer alone, I still need to be as strong, as independent and as capable of doing everything, of fighting all those battles – coz while the process may be a lot easier with someone holding my hand, dealing with it all is something only I can do.
Hum of the Day
At a recent Goa holiday, Kanwar said something which he heard that has stayed with me – “happiness is a state of mind and until one is happy with himself, looking for happiness is like hunting with your eyes blindfolded”. Profound, simple and true.
