For ...
A sense of numbness
Palpable happiness
Knotted stomach
Impending difficult choices
Difficult decisions
Grief
Bliss
Heart breaking helplessness
Lightheaded happiness
...Somehow words just don’t come easy.
Words - The way we are accustomed to expressing ourselves. And somehow, with distances and a shrinking world, the ability to communicate verbally often takes over. How else do you tell friends at a distance of a 2-4 hour flight how you felt when you think you met that special someone. How else do you communicate how confusing it is to register that perhaps – just perhaps – he/she is just not into you despite how badly you want him to be. How do you communicate the helplessness of a relationship gone wrong? How do you explain the small happiness of the first rain? How do you communicate the anxieties of change, the excitement of change? How do you ensure that those close to you continue to be tuned into your life? How do you hold on – without the words?
Ironically, it is on precisely those occasions that you perhaps need to reach out and need those words – that the words are just insufficient. You lose the words. I am still trying to figure out why. Why is it that something feels like a knot – good or bad and like it needs to be unleashed? I am beginning to think that we find the words when we are ready to accept the emotions – the power that they have and most importantly, we find them only when we are ready to deal with it and all that “it” implies.
Feelings are palpable – but only to the person who is going through the emotions. A thesaurus is not the answer to all emotions. That weight, that lightness, that happy chocking, that feeling of being overwhelmed, the knot in the stomach, that feeling of dread in the gut, that anxiety of the future. As explicable as all the above are, somehow, the words don’t quite capture it. Which is why you often find yourself saying “if you know what I mean”, “you get it right”, “you know right, what I am trying to get at”. But the great part is that for people who really “get” you, they don’t need those words. Sometimes, the way you say “hello” is enough to give a crystal clear impression of what you are feeling at that moment. Somehow, with those who matter, words are really unnecessary. Facts are unnecessary – all you need is to give a skeletal overview, and there is always that friend who will smile (and you can sense that smile) and will say “chill, take your time, I understand and am right here whenever you read”. And you know every word in the above is true.
That is my source of comfort. That is my source of sanity. When I have so much to say, when I know there is so much in my head that its numb, when what I have is a mixed bag of emotions – and I don’t want to sort it out. All I need to do is make a call and I know there are people at the other end who will say what I need to hear. Time, distance and words are just not really needed.
I’ve said this earlier, life has been a roller coaster for me over the past 10 months now – ever since I met DJ. “Changes” is an understatement – marriage, new country – need I say more? And I have had significant phases of disappearing, of surfacing and disappearing again. Of not calling for weeks on end and picking up the phone and picking up from wherever it is that we left off. And I know that holds true for a lot of people in my life. Changes across friends, relationships and lives – yet somehow we all manage – without having to spell it out.
I guess we all have a lot to be grateful for, but today, I am just grateful for friends. Childhood friends who I don’t call for 3 months at times, but less than a minute into a conversation and we are discussing intricate details of each others lives that I know neither of us would talk to too many people about. Friends who have moved on but will catch me on gtalk and tell me just what I need to hear because they know I will not voice what I need to hear. Friends who have always been there – and am counting on – who send me sms’s saying “just tell me your ok” and friends who say “I know you need time and space but FYI, am right here”. Friends who have completely confused lives of their own but take the time out every 10 days to give me a quick call apologies for disappearing and then hang up 30 seconds later—its enough to show you care. New friends who came into my life in a new city, whom, I know I can call at any hour and will call me – to just give me a quick update and to just talk and vent, who have become my gal-pals in a new city.
From where I see it – I am one lucky girl. Thanks you guys – I know you all know who you are! :)
Hum of The Day
I have been fretting about the changes in my life, about having to move to unfamiliar territories. Today I know that thanks to my friends, I will always have familiar ground around – all I need is Gtalk, skype, email and a cell connection! I love technology!
You get busy, you move on and drift on into your own lives - that’s life. But to hold on in some way, to retain those relationships that gave you company across the years – that remains a choice.
