Free flowing

These days, in an effort to "find what I am looking for (and find what it is that I am searching for!)", I am into the self-help genre of books - and also into turning regular books in self-help books full of wisdom. My latest acquisitions are - The HBR series called "Managing Your Career" and "Life is What You Make It" by Peter Buffet (son of Warren Buffet).

The wisdom I have gathered so far (in a nutshell) is : Self help is what you make it, you have to move, think and act -- without that every intention is just a waste of mental space!

I did pick up a few tips - one of which is the importance of reviewing your life and allowing for a free flow of thoughts. So I have been doing that. Off late, I have been carrying around a small pocket sized notebook where I jot down random things like to-do lists, aspirations, what i want from my life, from my day etc. I realized that somewhere, i have become too operational. My list is filled with what I call idiotic, unimportant things like "make a shopping list" , "go shopping for groceries", "clean wardrobe" etc. And I stopped  to wonder how low I've stooped! Is this what my life has become? It cant be.

But then again, the reality is that this is life - beyond a point everything is operational. Your relationships become operational, your job becomes operational and hence, naturally, your to-do's will be operational.

But Ii think there is a solution. Its what I call "keeping the dream alive; for which you need to keep dreaming". While a lot of people say that for peace, "bigger, better, more" is not healthy, to me, it depends on what you want more of and as long as you are not harming people or even if harming them does not bother you (if thats the way you are) at least having a dream ensures that you have much more of a life (whatever that life is) as compared to one of an apathetic, operational existence.

As the R. Kelly Song goes -- "If I can see it, then I can be it, If I just believe it-- there's nothing to it"



Hum Of The Day
There is a dream to dream every time you close your eyes. There are thoughts to choose every-time you have the time to think. Free-falling works if you have mastered the direction. Until then, use a parachute to ensure that you steer your life the way you want to. For which, see the place, draw the map, and jump!

I'm Moving On & Thank You

The last couple of weeks have been eventful for me to say the least. Actually that's not entirely accurate -- the last 7-8 months have been eventful for me. I've said it earlier so I won't repeat my woes of marriage, moving to a new country, etc. But last week I closed one chapter. I quit my job. A job which for the longest time, was a cause of personal and professional strife in my life. A job that changed who I used to be as a person - it turned me angry, resentful and worst of all intolerant. But the fact that it made me realize that i had become all the above - is something I'm grateful for. The weird thing is - it was and is just a job.. how could it have such a potent impact on my life. It should not - yet it did.

I used to pride myself in being tolerant, in respecting people and opinions, in the fact that I have always believed that I can learn from people around me. Here however, I turned into a snob who was intolerant to people, culture and behavior. And i hated myself. And the more i hated, the worse it became. The reason - it was simple.

We define who we are by the work we do and the position we hold. If those somehow, do not match your own expectation, there is a tendency to feel let down - with yourself and life in general. Which is so weird.. work is what we do.. not who we are.. yet I confused the two concepts - and i have been confusing them for a while now.

A mess up at work does not say anything about who I am-- its says a lot however about how I am at the work I have chosen. And that choice was my primary mistake. I have never been happy in my line of work and lack the passion for the job-- and I hate doing half baked work --which frustrates me and its a downward spiral. But this time, I went too far, I let it change who I was and how i reacted. I was hurtful to so many people, some which I care about and some whom I don't -- but I would not want to hurt them anyways. I made judgments;on a city.. on the people in that city ... all because I was hurting... and its unfair and not who I am... its perhaps too late to apologize.. but I'm glad i know what i did wrong--and hope that somehow, people understand why I became who i became.

This also made me realize that I have some fundamental issues with the line of work-- and so, this time, I've closed the door on not just this job but the work I was doing. I may do it as a stop-gap, but largely, I'm moving on.

Im moving on to a line I may not know i want, but know that its not what i do not want. And thats definitely a step forward. I am scared, I am uncertain and yet I am excited. Because, I'm becoming an explorer for the first time and being impractical. I read somewhere - the uncertainty of the unknown is better than the unhappy certainty of the known.

Hum of the day
I took a step, it angered me. I wanted to move, I couldn't see. I made a move, it set me free. I'm now willing to explore what lies ahead of me.