A Piece Of Me

The other day, an acquaintance who is four months away from marriage, no job and a new country, was telling me about how scary the thought of so many changes is. She had it all planned in her head: she would take whatever job she got, make sure she had her own set up and her own identity. She did not want to give away who she was.  It was imperative that a sense of who she was be retained. In the end, that was what would help her to keep her feet on the ground and hold on while change swept over her life.

It got me thinking – this time not about change. My thoughts were more in line with adaptability of our own sense of who we are. If someone asked any of us to turn back time, perhaps we would do some things differently. But my feeling is, most people, if they look at themselves objectively, would be happy with who they have become as a result of all the mistakes, good judgments and life experiences.

I know I gave up multiple pieces of me – sometimes parts of my behavior, sometimes my beliefs, sometimes work, friends – the list is actually long. But what is equally long is what I got for each piece I gave – it was a new piece, a new perspective, new thought, new pattern, a new way of life. And it was as much my choice as the rest of my life has been. 

Did the core of me change? Yes it did. But was it at the cost of my identity? No it was not. Because your identity is what you decide it is. You could be a banker, a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor. You will always be that internally – it’s your training and thoughts which were tailored in addition to a degree and education. No one can take that training away from you.

Sometimes, life may force you to use those very skills to do other things. Often, it may give you a chance to convert a talent into a profession or even discover a new talent. It can be a new way of doing old things or doing new things an old way. But all of that, each step you take, does not take away pieces of you – it just shows you new facets, new choices and a new identity.  No one can ever take away who you are – not a spouse, not a job and not a new life. Because, “who you are”,  is not constant. And it should not be.

Hum of The Day

I am who I want to be. Who I am is not, should not, and cannot be dictated by the profession I choose, where I live, who my family is. Identity is far deeper than society. We mistake pieces of us with pieces of our social lives.  Yes these pieces are like those of a jigsaw puzzle that forms the complete picture – but in life, those pieces are far more easily molded than we think. In the end, the picture will always be complete if you give up and re-mold the facets of you wisely.

Because You Have To

There are five steps to any unexpected situation – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  It can be quite exhausting actually, especially since unexpected and life can almost be synonyms for each other. But we do go through the drill; we pretend, rant, negotiate, wallow and finally dust off, get up and move on. The last stage is usually for the lucky and strong ones. A lot of times, moving from wallowing to doing is a vacuum that cannot be navigated.

Perhaps because reaching the last stage of acceptance, implies change. It means looking at old things a new way or looking at new things altogether. It is a move away from the comfort zone and that’s a very uncomfortable change.

These are the phases when the post-it like profound statements screams out at you.  “Change is inevitable”, “change is the only constant”, “everything happens for a reason”, “in the end it will work out”, “if it’s not happy it’s not the end” – the list is long, monotonous and probably the ray of hope to cling on to. Clichés became clichés because the work – another profound statement I recent heard.

But where does one get the strength to change everything from? How do you do something as simple as just put one foot in front of the other so as to take that step forward? This is especially true when the task ahead is daunting, arduous and evidently time-consuming.  I think it comes from ensuring that you get the strength from deep within who you used to be before life changed. You get it from the dreams you dreamed as a child. From the person you knew you wanted to be.

 You move away from comfort by realizing that sometimes, you don’t even know that you are uncomfortable – the discomfort is such a part of who you have become.  You do it so that you can look yourself in the eye and know that you are not living a compromised life. You may not be living the ideal till long after you move, but knowing that you are walking to somewhere and not running to anywhere can be a big motivation to lift that foot and just step, breathe, and step again.

Hum Of The Day

Change, is constant but never easy to live with. My constant struggle with it is evident by how often I have written about it. But like an old t-shirt that is tattered, torn, shabby but comfortable, at some point you just have to throw away the old. For no reason but because you have to – the childhood blanket gave way to a teddy bear which gave way to something else. Each new comfort was at the price of an old. That’s just the way it has to be.