I remember a time about 2-3 years ago when I was terribly homesick for Bombay. That was when I had just moved to Delhi and hated it. But, today, Delhi (Gurgaon actually) has become home. I recall a piece of advice from my dad – “Don’t hate this place so much, it’s where we are, where you family is. In so many ways it will always be home for you. It is where you will get married, this home will have memories, and this city will make see you through important phases – because we are here. That’s what will make it home. The sooner you embrace it, the sooner you will start making those memories” (OK that may not be what he said verbatim, but I know that’s what he meant!)
Why am I remembering all this today? Because I am overwhelmed by how true those words were. I got married, I moved away from India and have been bored out of my wits (I once again repeat I absolutely hate this place- perhaps more than I love Bombay!). My dear husband, in an attempt to cheer me up, keeps suggesting holiday options to places we haven’t been – within and outside of India. And my only response is, that all I crave for is to go back home. And home is no longer Bombay.
It’s my house in Gurgaon. It’s my room. It’s sitting in the TV room lounging on the sofa watching mindless TV with mom and chatting about random stuff - from irrelevant building gossip to emotional family drama . It’s about eating and leaving my plate on the sofa and having dad look at me and shake his head. It’s putting my feet up and asking mom to come up with things I would want to eat. It’s about arguing about random things that people around us do. It’s about life.
Those annoying Delhi drivers who cut me off on the most unlikely turns, getting late for a meeting because a herd of sheep was crossing the main road, taking 40 minutes to cover 5 kilometers, infrastructure hassles. It’s all mine. It’s a feeling of home -of belonging. That house, that room, those people – I miss it all like a physical pain.
I have always been patriotic – more than a lot of people I know. But I underestimated how much I would miss India. Big error in judging myself – or, was it overestimating my coping abilities or the blissfulness marriage brings?! Here I am now, surrounded by culture which I know will never be my own, in a city with no friends, with work which I find barely tolerable enough for me to stay awake, people around me that seem to have few interests besides malls and food, no bookshops and an absolute paucity of intelligent conversation!
All I want is to go back home. I miss having friends in office – I miss coordinating across 3 floors and teams to sneak out for that 1 hour at barista – discussing everything besides the one thing we seemingly had in common – office. I miss knowing intimate details of people’s lives. I miss human contact – even though I am in an office for 10 hours of my day!
I’m repeatedly told its not that bad – I am almost certain that it is not. But, I am an alien in this environment – my demanour, my speech, my mannerisms, my thoughts. Communication can bridge barriers – but what do I do in a place where communication itself is an issue? I may be finding reasons to feel sorry for myself. I hope that’s the reality. But for now, I am lost. And don’t know where to begin to find myself anymore.
Hum of the day
I’m homesick. Today I heard the song from “Swades”. It made me cry on my way to work “ Yun to saare sukh hai barse, pat door tu hai apne ghar se, aa laut chalain ab to deewana, jahaan koi to tujhe apna mane”. I wish I was homeward bound. But for now, all I really wish is that I had the strength to make a home where ever I am. I am struggling – but I hope that I will see it through. I have a hand holding mine – one that reminds me that while my heart is split in two – at least one part of my heart has what it wants.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
I Threw Away The Rearview Mirror
For so long now I have been thinking of getting back to writing on my blog. But like most things in my life, my tendency to think more and do less seems to take over. Fortunately, a lot of random things happened yesterday to sort of shake me out of this virtually perpetual reverie that I seem to have got caught up in.
First, over the past week, I reached out to my friends. And friends reached out to me – after a really long hiatus. Some time mid-week, I had GR reach out to me with a long email – over the distance that was unintentionally created by things beyond Mumbai, Delhi and Kuwait. Some feelings are beyond words. That simple gesture made me feel so much less alone in this new country where my only companion for 4 months has been my husband. As sweet as that may sound, in reality, its enough to drive anyone crazy – I’m used to friends, I’m used to independence – of thought, action etc. And I felt like that was all curbed. Anyway, my marital fights reached new lows a day after. I attribute this to a new marriage, new country (which I HATE), new job + me and my paranoia and ability to over analyze, think too much, feel too much and basically have no balance – lets just call it a really potent mix for a disaster with my poor husband at the receiving end! Through most of the above, no one knew any details about, maybe because like most newly married couples, I felt that these things are just too private – which they are. But, they were all small, and essentially driving me mad and fortunately, my dam burst that day and I grumbled like a spoiled child to GR and KD – after god knows how long. And I finally had my friends back! And oh, after grumbling, I also managed to totally patch things up with my hubby – GREAT week!
Second, through my patch up with my husband, I realized the unnecessary dependence I seem to have developed. Agreed I am not totally mobile here by myself (no driving license) but my sense of dependence goes beyond that. Its emotional dependence – which may be normal and required, but it bothers me. Its nice to have someone you can depend on, but do I really need to feel this sense of helplessness without him .The answer is obvious. My independence, ability to do my own thing and have my own life, is core to who I am. When a sense that all that has gone set in – I lost myself in so many ways – only to realize, I am responsible for letting that happen. Its no ones fault – least of all the man I married since he knew me as independent, assertive and self-assured. He must feel such a sense of shock over this insane person I have become.
Third, an email from GR yesterday which said (and I quote here) “I think we have endlessly complained and cried about these issues ...frankly I think we are quite pathetic in this regard. When the world can lose weight what’s stopping us? All we need is a bit of discipline and the strength to go on for the first 4 weeks and thereon without stopping.” (G, sorry if you did not want to be quoted). This pushed me over the edge – towards the above enlightenment!
And today, there was a conversation I had with my husband – where he seemed to be going through similar issues of dealing with this new excessive ‘together’ time that leaves little time for stuff you need to do on your own—it was definitely time for action!
So putting it all together – this is what happened. I realized I need people. I need friends I can reach out to. But that does not mean that those friends have to be in the same place and time-zone as me. Keeping in touch and keeping the connection going is as much my responsibility – if not more given that I am the one alone here! And just knowing that these people are just there for me – no matter what – is a comfort. It got rid of all the loneliness in a snap of a second as soon as I realized it.
Second realization, I need a life. It’s all nice and sweet to be married and have someone etc etc blah blah blah. But it wears off. Beyond that, its regular life! I have given this advice and thought about this theoretically so often, but practice is just a different ball game – it always is isn’t it! There are so many things I like to do – which require just me. But since I got married, I just feel like ‘we’ need to spend time and do stuff together (never thought I would be like that). And changing is taking a toll – on both of us – especially since we are both such independent ‘space’ loving people. So the next thing I decided was I will do the following: Blog, read, exercise – and maybe study (I registered for my CFA) – but the first 3 are essential to my sanity.
Third, I need to grow up and take responsibility for myself and my life. To learn to prioritize, to balance priorities, to balance relationships and to make sure I do not neglect myself – I can see some people smile and say “welcome to married life”
And yeah, this is step one – my blog re-started. I am also starting another blog – one I have wanted to for a long time. It's located at http://booksmyworld.blogspot.com . I plan to review or write about books I read (and I read a lot – even now I’ve finished about 4 in the past 2 months!). My inspiration is friends who keep asking me to suggest books. So it makes sense – I like to read, I like to write , people like to know what I read. It elementary my dear Watson ;)
Hum of the day:
“I am on the bus; I threw away the rear view mirror. I only need to know where I am going and why – and heck I did this by choice because I knew I would enjoy it. Now making it enjoyable – that’s in my hands.”
First, over the past week, I reached out to my friends. And friends reached out to me – after a really long hiatus. Some time mid-week, I had GR reach out to me with a long email – over the distance that was unintentionally created by things beyond Mumbai, Delhi and Kuwait. Some feelings are beyond words. That simple gesture made me feel so much less alone in this new country where my only companion for 4 months has been my husband. As sweet as that may sound, in reality, its enough to drive anyone crazy – I’m used to friends, I’m used to independence – of thought, action etc. And I felt like that was all curbed. Anyway, my marital fights reached new lows a day after. I attribute this to a new marriage, new country (which I HATE), new job + me and my paranoia and ability to over analyze, think too much, feel too much and basically have no balance – lets just call it a really potent mix for a disaster with my poor husband at the receiving end! Through most of the above, no one knew any details about, maybe because like most newly married couples, I felt that these things are just too private – which they are. But, they were all small, and essentially driving me mad and fortunately, my dam burst that day and I grumbled like a spoiled child to GR and KD – after god knows how long. And I finally had my friends back! And oh, after grumbling, I also managed to totally patch things up with my hubby – GREAT week!
Second, through my patch up with my husband, I realized the unnecessary dependence I seem to have developed. Agreed I am not totally mobile here by myself (no driving license) but my sense of dependence goes beyond that. Its emotional dependence – which may be normal and required, but it bothers me. Its nice to have someone you can depend on, but do I really need to feel this sense of helplessness without him .The answer is obvious. My independence, ability to do my own thing and have my own life, is core to who I am. When a sense that all that has gone set in – I lost myself in so many ways – only to realize, I am responsible for letting that happen. Its no ones fault – least of all the man I married since he knew me as independent, assertive and self-assured. He must feel such a sense of shock over this insane person I have become.
Third, an email from GR yesterday which said (and I quote here) “I think we have endlessly complained and cried about these issues ...frankly I think we are quite pathetic in this regard. When the world can lose weight what’s stopping us? All we need is a bit of discipline and the strength to go on for the first 4 weeks and thereon without stopping.” (G, sorry if you did not want to be quoted). This pushed me over the edge – towards the above enlightenment!
And today, there was a conversation I had with my husband – where he seemed to be going through similar issues of dealing with this new excessive ‘together’ time that leaves little time for stuff you need to do on your own—it was definitely time for action!
So putting it all together – this is what happened. I realized I need people. I need friends I can reach out to. But that does not mean that those friends have to be in the same place and time-zone as me. Keeping in touch and keeping the connection going is as much my responsibility – if not more given that I am the one alone here! And just knowing that these people are just there for me – no matter what – is a comfort. It got rid of all the loneliness in a snap of a second as soon as I realized it.
Second realization, I need a life. It’s all nice and sweet to be married and have someone etc etc blah blah blah. But it wears off. Beyond that, its regular life! I have given this advice and thought about this theoretically so often, but practice is just a different ball game – it always is isn’t it! There are so many things I like to do – which require just me. But since I got married, I just feel like ‘we’ need to spend time and do stuff together (never thought I would be like that). And changing is taking a toll – on both of us – especially since we are both such independent ‘space’ loving people. So the next thing I decided was I will do the following: Blog, read, exercise – and maybe study (I registered for my CFA) – but the first 3 are essential to my sanity.
Third, I need to grow up and take responsibility for myself and my life. To learn to prioritize, to balance priorities, to balance relationships and to make sure I do not neglect myself – I can see some people smile and say “welcome to married life”
And yeah, this is step one – my blog re-started. I am also starting another blog – one I have wanted to for a long time. It's located at http://booksmyworld.blogspot.com . I plan to review or write about books I read (and I read a lot – even now I’ve finished about 4 in the past 2 months!). My inspiration is friends who keep asking me to suggest books. So it makes sense – I like to read, I like to write , people like to know what I read. It elementary my dear Watson ;)
Hum of the day:
“I am on the bus; I threw away the rear view mirror. I only need to know where I am going and why – and heck I did this by choice because I knew I would enjoy it. Now making it enjoyable – that’s in my hands.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)