The Mind And What We Make Of It

Time and again I have heard the above phrase “It’s all in the mind” – and I am starting to find it increasingly frustrating. Because, if it is all in MY mind and assuming that my mind actually belongs to me, then I should be able to control it. And if the assumption is that we do indeed control our own minds, and then I must be a raving lunatic to be consciously – or even unconsciously – allowing my own mind to think, feel and make me act a certain way which I myself do not like. It therefore means, I am insane because I let myself be insane?

The human mind is weird. Or actually, I am increasingly starting to believe that the expectation of rationality from the mind – because the mind is supposedly the “thinking” part of us – in itself is irrational. There is absolutely nothing rational about the thoughts, feelings and emotions that drive or mind. We like to believe its logic – but pure logic seldom exists. If it did, well, life would be very different from what it really is. So even when logic says that I should be keeping a brave face, that I should be strong what actually drives me to implement that is illogical thoughts like  “time will take care of the changes I am looking to happen and that somehow life will fall into place one day”. Logic says that I should have no expectations from another person regarding my life – but my mind itself does not seem to process how not to have expectations from people I care about. Logic says that it’s actually logical for each one to live their own life – the human side of the capitalist theory perhaps – but who really manages to implement that?  If my mind is being driven but the irrationality that makes me human, how can I expect the mind to reach a rational conclusion? How do I stop it from thinking, feeling, acting a certain way?

Our mind also conjures up an image of who we believe we are and how we see ourselves. This unfortunately drives how we assume others see us. And then there is that tricky line of how we want others to see us. Somehow, all three blur in together. We see ourselves a certain way – which includes attributes we do not want – and we like to believe that our external behavior deludes others into seeing the person we want to portray. But somewhere, I believe, because we do not inherently have what we want to showcase, we never believe anyone can see it. Hence, we perpetuate our own negative self-image at times because the act of acting can make people do strange things. See – nothing logical about anything the mind seems to actually do.

But I wonder – why do we have this obsession with wanting to be logical? Because that makes us predictable perhaps or perhaps because we have been conditioned to belief that the most logical thing to do is the ideal thing to do?

The other day, in an argument, I happened to mention that I am not logical and I don’t want to be – and I got the response that “you are a woman”! Yes, you may smile, I did too – but here is some food for thought. If all of us were logical, what kind of a life would we lead? When the happiest parts of life and the attributes of human nature and life come from the irrational, the illogical and the craziest of emotions – then why is it that we take pride in logic and mock a lack of it? Why is it not ok to be thinking, feeling and emotional person? I cannot imagine anyone who is completely devoid of what we call “logic decision making” which is really “the most appropriate course of action”.

But, why is there such little respect for the fact that the most appropriate is rarely robotic, harsh or calculated. It usually factors in illogical things like human emotions, what’s best for everyone involved etc.  Perhaps the word logic intuitively gives us a feigned sense of control. It’s all in the mind after all – we can trick it into thinking what we want right?

Hum of the day

Numb is not a state of happiness, neither is apathy and nor is harshness. We respect and remember the nice, the happy, the joyful and the lively.  The process of growing up has forced me to develop the traits I do not like – in order to survive. And somewhere, I gave up on the rest. I no longer want one way or the other. And if it is a choice, I will gladly choose to be opinionated, emotional and sensitive. I may need to recondition my own thinking and respect for what I want to choose – but I believe I will learn to live again. It’s the logical thing to do.

Something Big, Yet So Small

One of my greatest wishes - and I believe a lot of people feel the same - is to make a difference. For most of my life I have wanted to be a part of something. Anything.

I moved cities, I changed buildings, I changed schools and inevitably, most of my time was spent trying to simply fit it. When I started working, I continued to be what I call a "changer". I changed 4 jobs in about 5+ years of working. Yes, I had my reasons - career progression, health and personal changes. But, there is always a but. The but here is that it meant that in the 5 years since I began my career, my process of settling has continued and the settlement has never happened.

I was also never really a sports-person - my hobbies are primarily reading and writing -- and hence, the only thing that became a part of, was my own mind and thoughts. Somehow though, I have always wanted to do something beyond. Starting with my graduation years, I would dream of doing some "good" of being a part of an organization with some higher goals. Somewhere this stayed a dream and my higher goals gave way to choices that met expectation goals of others (and somewhere of the conditioning I had). Surprisingly, for me and others, I continued to dream that dream - of making a difference. My MBA yearbook states that I dream of starting my own NGO - as part of a finance batch of an MBA institute - I know that that dream set me apart.

But what happened to my dream - I think somewhere I realized what it really was - it was always a dream to do something that I could give my best to, that allowed me to feel like i belonged to a team and that I could contribute and make a difference.

There are so many identities we hold - we are affiliated to a school, a college, an organization, a family, a group of friends, a country. That sense of belonging goes beyond your presence in that place physically. Patriotism is perhaps the simplest and strongest sense of belonging. I moved away from my country - the place I could call home, and suddenly, I found a place where I belonged. As for making a difference - I will go back some day, work as hard as I can, find work that i enjoy and give it my hundred percent - the difference, will be of one individual times hundred percent.

Hum of the day
To belong is to know that nothing can take that belonging away. To make a difference is to know that somewhere, something, anything, or anyone is better because of you. It really is that simple. I belong and I make a differnce- we all do -- no matter what.

For all the times

Reason, season and lifetime -- an easy and yet complicated classification of people in our lives. When I think about it, its unbelievable how many people have touched my life, and how many of them have somehow become the fabric of my life. One of my favorite lines is that "friends are the family you choose" and well, I think I have been more than blessed with my family - of choice and otherwise.

The beauty of life is that, we can decide to increase the size of what we call a lifetime. Each city, each place, each office, each encounter, it all slowly adds up.

My childhood was in a very friendly building and the two friends I made then were with me at my wedding - one in spirit and one in person. When I left Calcutta, of all my friends, one special person remains one of my oldest and closest friends and one who the fact that I havent met her for over five years, is relativley unimportant when we talk. In Mumbai, I found a home again - friends who became family. But I moved away, and while some of those people become mere reasons and seasons, I have more than a few clear "lifetimes" in my life. In Delhi, I thought I would be just reasons and seasons, and life surprised me by introducing me to lifetimes - friends who I know will be there for me and most importantly, Delhi introduced me to MY lifetime - probably my closest friend and lifepartner - my husband.

I got married more than a year ago and more than two years ago my husband got added to my lifetime, and with him, so did a web of relationships. The concept of lifetime in this relationship is somehow an insufficient explaination of what the relationship is. The security, the ability to just "be" and to know that no matter what, something will always stay the same - becuase you both choose that it will be that way and because beneath it all is an inherent trust and friendship which is what makes any relationship endure a lifetime.

So today, I am just remembering all my lifetimes - my friends (including my husband) and the song I heard today, brought tears to my eyes. Love you all and I cant even say I am missing you -- because somewhere you are all with me, standing by me, just like I am for you



Hum of the day
Reasons and seasons can come and go, the beauty of life is choosing the lifetimes

Remembering My Core....

Last weekend, I came to mom's house for Diwali. Weird but now somehow it's become "Mom's house". Home is someplace else. Anyways, whatever this home in Gurgaon is, this visit has done something to me - or maybe it has undone some damage. It has given me this strange sense of peace, I have been able to gather my thoughts once more, I have de-cluttered my mind and its significantly more free than even before I moved away after marriage. Somehow, coming home as a visitor, has taken me back to a place of peace.

Somewhere, I had got lost in the varied opinions, the new culture, the new perspectives and my new life. I became confused about what matters to me, what should matter and what I want to matter. I no longer knew who I wanted to be, and I could no longer recognize the person that I had become.

This visit has been a gentle reminder of who I really am. Someone held my hand and slowly reminded me of the importance of basic values, of work ethics, of the value of things that last way beyond the high of a large cheque signed in your name. The belief that integrity, strength of charecter and being honest to yourself and your work is what will ensure that at the age of 60, when the corporate career is probably nearing and end or has ended, when you start to look back at your life an evaluate what you have achieved - you can still hold your head high, you can still make one phone call and reach for help, you are still the person people look to for guidance and you get will get that assurance that you have - and always will- command a certain respect that is priceless.

So I have promised myself that I will be the person I know I was brought up to be. I will live by the values that define who I am. I will not let the fact that I live in a materialistic world cloud my judgement of what is appropriate, acceptable and expected. I will be grateful for the fact that I am in a position to not let the principal of maximum material benefit guide my life. I will no longer try to fit into a world where I feel like I am weird because of the values I have.

Life is not easy. But if you keep your rules and priorities in line with basic humane principles, somehow, taking decision and making life choices, really ceases to be optional.

Hum of the day:
I have been given a legacy of values - which makes simultaneously humble and proud. It is now my duty to live a life so that I can pass on the same. 

Free flowing

These days, in an effort to "find what I am looking for (and find what it is that I am searching for!)", I am into the self-help genre of books - and also into turning regular books in self-help books full of wisdom. My latest acquisitions are - The HBR series called "Managing Your Career" and "Life is What You Make It" by Peter Buffet (son of Warren Buffet).

The wisdom I have gathered so far (in a nutshell) is : Self help is what you make it, you have to move, think and act -- without that every intention is just a waste of mental space!

I did pick up a few tips - one of which is the importance of reviewing your life and allowing for a free flow of thoughts. So I have been doing that. Off late, I have been carrying around a small pocket sized notebook where I jot down random things like to-do lists, aspirations, what i want from my life, from my day etc. I realized that somewhere, i have become too operational. My list is filled with what I call idiotic, unimportant things like "make a shopping list" , "go shopping for groceries", "clean wardrobe" etc. And I stopped  to wonder how low I've stooped! Is this what my life has become? It cant be.

But then again, the reality is that this is life - beyond a point everything is operational. Your relationships become operational, your job becomes operational and hence, naturally, your to-do's will be operational.

But Ii think there is a solution. Its what I call "keeping the dream alive; for which you need to keep dreaming". While a lot of people say that for peace, "bigger, better, more" is not healthy, to me, it depends on what you want more of and as long as you are not harming people or even if harming them does not bother you (if thats the way you are) at least having a dream ensures that you have much more of a life (whatever that life is) as compared to one of an apathetic, operational existence.

As the R. Kelly Song goes -- "If I can see it, then I can be it, If I just believe it-- there's nothing to it"



Hum Of The Day
There is a dream to dream every time you close your eyes. There are thoughts to choose every-time you have the time to think. Free-falling works if you have mastered the direction. Until then, use a parachute to ensure that you steer your life the way you want to. For which, see the place, draw the map, and jump!

I'm Moving On & Thank You

The last couple of weeks have been eventful for me to say the least. Actually that's not entirely accurate -- the last 7-8 months have been eventful for me. I've said it earlier so I won't repeat my woes of marriage, moving to a new country, etc. But last week I closed one chapter. I quit my job. A job which for the longest time, was a cause of personal and professional strife in my life. A job that changed who I used to be as a person - it turned me angry, resentful and worst of all intolerant. But the fact that it made me realize that i had become all the above - is something I'm grateful for. The weird thing is - it was and is just a job.. how could it have such a potent impact on my life. It should not - yet it did.

I used to pride myself in being tolerant, in respecting people and opinions, in the fact that I have always believed that I can learn from people around me. Here however, I turned into a snob who was intolerant to people, culture and behavior. And i hated myself. And the more i hated, the worse it became. The reason - it was simple.

We define who we are by the work we do and the position we hold. If those somehow, do not match your own expectation, there is a tendency to feel let down - with yourself and life in general. Which is so weird.. work is what we do.. not who we are.. yet I confused the two concepts - and i have been confusing them for a while now.

A mess up at work does not say anything about who I am-- its says a lot however about how I am at the work I have chosen. And that choice was my primary mistake. I have never been happy in my line of work and lack the passion for the job-- and I hate doing half baked work --which frustrates me and its a downward spiral. But this time, I went too far, I let it change who I was and how i reacted. I was hurtful to so many people, some which I care about and some whom I don't -- but I would not want to hurt them anyways. I made judgments;on a city.. on the people in that city ... all because I was hurting... and its unfair and not who I am... its perhaps too late to apologize.. but I'm glad i know what i did wrong--and hope that somehow, people understand why I became who i became.

This also made me realize that I have some fundamental issues with the line of work-- and so, this time, I've closed the door on not just this job but the work I was doing. I may do it as a stop-gap, but largely, I'm moving on.

Im moving on to a line I may not know i want, but know that its not what i do not want. And thats definitely a step forward. I am scared, I am uncertain and yet I am excited. Because, I'm becoming an explorer for the first time and being impractical. I read somewhere - the uncertainty of the unknown is better than the unhappy certainty of the known.

Hum of the day
I took a step, it angered me. I wanted to move, I couldn't see. I made a move, it set me free. I'm now willing to explore what lies ahead of me.

Open doors

Open doors

The heart soars

Smiles around

Happiness unbound

A simple key

To set me free

A simple step forward

Unknown where toward

A dream of the life ahead

A dream of a past shed

Standing not alone

The brightness of the key shone

Unknown to me dreams are dreams

A distance from possibilities

Open doors closed eyes

Its time to wake up to reality

Closed doors keep me safe

The key is now with me

Closed eyes keep me happy

I don’t want to know the reality

Hum of the day:

Sometimes words don’t come easy. I just want to close my eyes and dream more realistic dreams.

Eyes wide shut

Lighthearted laughter

Untainted, unaffected

Unseeing and not listening

Eyes wide shut

The pleasant sounds around

Unknown to the unpleasant

Unpleasant sounds abound, unknown to the pleasant

Ears wide shut

Happiness surrounds, pleasure abounds

Laughter unbounded

The world dumbfounded

Mind wide shut

Experience is usually considered a good thing. Experience exhumes respect, it is a symbol of wisdom and representative of reliability of opinion. But I wonder. While reading something today, the following thought was planted in my head – untainted by experience, the lighthearted hope and feeling, is one that is unique to only childhood. 

Childhood was when most lucky individuals are the happiest – that hope, that ability to dream and that belief that those dreams can and will come true –  all of it brings unique peace. It brings a sense of excitement about the future.  Those lighthearted steps, skipping to school, skipping home from school, swinging you bag, swaying in abandon – behavior that is rarely exhibited by adults.  Perhaps because experience makes us realize that things often can and do go wrong. Experiences shows us that there are pitfalls across each road we choose to tread on. And that no matter how hard you try, some amount of disappointment is inevitable.

Childlike abandon in adults is rare – but it is not absent. There are those few individuals you meet who have a unique energy about them - peace and a sense of happiness and belonging and the belief that their future will be fine. It makes me wonder – I know that these individuals are not naïve enough to have childlike abandon. Then what makes them tick in such a unique way? I believe it is the belief and the experience that no matter how many pitfalls and how much disappointment is coming their way, that feeling will all pass. And in the end, that individual knows that brushing off, getting up and moving on – none of that is really an option. Not trying – that is not an option either, because that is akin to choosing regret.

Perhaps, eyes wide shut means that your vision and senses are open only to what you know to be your own reality and within your own abilities. Beyond that, a blissful lack of awareness is the choice towards happiness and a good night’s sleep.

Hum of the day

I love children and I often crave for the feeling that childhood used to bring. I also hope that I will someday have the faith in myself to develop that ability to laugh freely, dream big and have the faith to know that those dreams are in my own hands. For now, I am working towards ensuring that I do not regret at least trying – if I brush off a couple of times, I’ll learn to jump the pitfalls and to climb out when I fall in. Practice may not make perfect but it will make the journey more pleasant.

Hoping to run - a step at a time

For the past two weeks now, the stress levels in my life have gone down. I sort of felt like I am alright again and in control of my life. It was a great feeling. But I wish the feeling lasted longer. This week, my mood again took a downturn – for no apparent emotional reason but for a physical one. I was just not feeling ok – lack of energy, lethargy, etc can be a real dampener on enthusiasm for life! So, on Thursday, I realized (yes for the millionth time probably) that I simply HAVE to do something about my weight – if for no other reason but just so I can lead a life that makes me moan and groan less!

I was reading another blog and this girl talks about her battle with weight in detail and calls herself the token fat girl who has perpetually been combating weight, eating, getting depressed, combating weight, caving into craving, having bad days, eating, gaining weight and the downward spiral continues. A lot of what she wrote really spoke to me. But not for the obvious reason – coz I saw empathy – but because I realized that I too spend so much time thinking about my weight, analyzing the “what” and “why” of it, planning, and then – allowing myself into a spiral and wasting my “good” days in the above process of thinking, analyzing and planning! That’s when I decided that for a change I needed to DO.

So I emailed GR (my partner in these wonderful endeavors) and as usual we both agreed—this time on something which seems like fun. It’s called the couch-to-5km running plan. Designed specifically for lazy couch potatoes like me who have wanted to do something but give up too soon – often because I do stuff in excitement and do not believe in a step by step approach – its all or nothing for me.  Reading the plan, forced me to realize a step by step approach is possible – and a guided step by step approach is probably what I need more than anything.

So on the weekend, while I did not start the plan, I did use the gym, I ran for all of 2 minutes – plus a while on the cross-trainer. Burned all of 150 calories – it’s a start. I have also given up on chocolate – I am allowing myself other sweets once in a while.

A few baby steps – who knows ill run some day!

Hum of the day

I have dreamed for too long, I have wondered how to do it, I have thought about how life will change when I do it. The only missing link has been actually DOING something about it. Its time to stop thinking and start doing – one step at a time!

Secrets of happiness

It’s strange how so often, the exact words you need to hear, the thoughts you need to listen to and the belief you need restored, are in laid out in a near pile before you eyes. And thankfully, along with all of that, the judgment to absorb all of that is also a part of that pile!

For me, that came as a slow epiphany of sorts in the form of a book called “The Seven Secrets of Happiness” by Sharan Owens (http://booksmyworld.blogspot.com/2010/07/seven-secrets-of-happiness-sharon-owens.html).

I do not even want to look back at what I had become thanks to a lot of changes that I was somehow unable to cope with. I knew I needed to somehow do something about the weird inertia I fell into, but I just did not know how. And there I end up reading the book. And then, I got some really really good news – a hope that had somewhere died. After marriage, I had ignored my old self, and just like that, PM was back in the PMT. 

Anyways, the book details some secrets that the protagonist learns over time. I have now made my own list as well as what I plan to do about things. So here goes:

1. Emotional independence and freedom are vital no matter how many support systems exist in your life. You were, are and will always be “YOU” before you be can be anything to anyone else
2. Being able to look yourself in the eye is the most rudimentary requirement of a peaceful existence within oneself. So be honest. To yourself. That means do things you do not cringe about. Be honest to your commitments; be honest to your work, to your life. To yourself.
3. Acceptance is probably the most powerful tool for temporary peace. It may not be ideal because it may not allow you to move ahead and plan for the future. But sometimes life can be in a deadlock. Acceptance just makes you temporarily steady - which can give strength to move on at a later stage.
4. It’s easy to lay the blame – on yourself and on people around you. But in the end it gets no one anywhere. You make decisions in a given moment based on the circumstances at that time. Blaming anyone – including you, is akin to banging on walls which can’t be broken down.
5. Segregate things which make you unhappy into those which can and cannot be controlled. Focus on those which can be controlled and just go ahead and do what you can to minimize them.
6. Idealism does make the world go round. It is perhaps the single human quality that creates change, which pushes the world to become a better place –one person at a time. But seeing the good in here and now, and realizing that what is happening is the best that can happen in the present situation – perhaps that is what allows for idealism to eventually be implemented.
7. Finding yourself is an overrated concept. There is nothing to find. You are who you are – at any given point. You can’t lose yourself. The self in you as you used to understand it, just changes with time. Re-searching is like looking for something which has already been remolded.
8. The mind and body are both like putty in your own hands. The mind is the ruler. So if you feeling low in any way, just try yelling at that part of yourself and telling it to stop being a baby and whining. It’s possible your mood and energy will both be lifted. It really is mostly all a state of mind.
9. Forgiving yourself is not easy. But no one but you gets hurt each day if you don’t
10. Just because you cannot do that one big thing, is no reason not to take small steps. Small steps or even just moving in the same spot is better than standing still. Because at least you are doing something!
11. Anger and resentment makes you do things you regret, to say things you should not and act in ways you know you should not. It also imprisons you like ‘devils snare” (infamous in Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone). Sometimes, to be free, you just need to relax and let go.
12. Apologize – it’s very powerful.

Hum of the day

I wish I could apologize to the people I have interacted with in this country – for being judgmental, for pointing fingers at other peoples way of life. I am forgiving myself for not being able to live or let live. I am no longer promising anything. I am just going to live. I am going to forgive, and I’m learning to do things which make me happy and allow me to be at peace with myself. I am surrounding myself with happier thoughts, more color, more smiles and more laughter. The bright happy pink of this blog is perhaps step one ;)

Judge, think, yawn!

We judge the strangest things. Really we do. The other day my husband received an email address for someone. It was a hotmail id. And my instant response was “who uses hotmail these days”. Apparently a lot of people! But it just goes to show how effective gmail has been in capturing the mind space of email users. I remember hotmail was my first email id, then yahoo and other email ids which had more mailbox space. Until I moved to gmail! Thereafter I never moved to anything else.

It’s all about branding. And the brands you use often speak volumes – about how influenced we are by what marketers tell us as well as of how accurately they actually understand our mindset.

Anyways I started thinking. I get really annoyed when people judge others by the place they live in, the locality, the car they drive, who they know etc. And here I was, forming an image of a person because of the email id that they use. Has technology just broadened the scope for stereotypes? Is it now a very effective tool to put people into slots? Or do I just have too much time on my hands?!!!

Hum of the day
I am in office, got a random thought. Decided to pen it down - don’t judge me!

Home is where the heart is?

I remember a time about 2-3 years ago when I was terribly homesick for Bombay. That was when I had just moved to Delhi and hated it. But, today, Delhi (Gurgaon actually) has become home. I recall a piece of advice from my dad – “Don’t hate this place so much, it’s where we are, where you family is. In so many ways it will always be home for you. It is where you will get married, this home will have memories, and this city will make see you through important phases – because we are here. That’s what will make it home. The sooner you embrace it, the sooner you will start making those memories” (OK that may not be what he said verbatim, but I know that’s what he meant!)

Why am I remembering all this today? Because I am overwhelmed by how true those words were. I got married, I moved away from India and have been bored out of my wits (I once again repeat I absolutely hate this place- perhaps more than I love Bombay!). My dear husband, in an attempt to cheer me up, keeps suggesting holiday options to places we haven’t been – within and outside of India. And my only response is, that all I crave for is to go back home. And home is no longer Bombay.

It’s my house in Gurgaon. It’s my room. It’s sitting in the TV room lounging on the sofa watching mindless TV with mom and chatting about random stuff - from irrelevant building gossip to emotional family drama . It’s about eating and leaving my plate on the sofa and having dad look at me and shake his head. It’s putting my feet up and asking mom to come up with things I would want to eat. It’s about arguing about random things that people around us do. It’s about life.

Those annoying Delhi drivers who cut me off on the most unlikely turns, getting late for a meeting because a herd of sheep was crossing the main road, taking 40 minutes to cover 5 kilometers, infrastructure hassles. It’s all mine. It’s a feeling of home -of belonging. That house, that room, those people – I miss it all like a physical pain.

I have always been patriotic – more than a lot of people I know. But I underestimated how much I would miss India. Big error in judging myself – or, was it overestimating my coping abilities or the blissfulness marriage brings?! Here I am now, surrounded by culture which I know will never be my own, in a city with no friends, with work which I find barely tolerable enough for me to stay awake, people around me that seem to have few interests besides malls and food, no bookshops and an absolute paucity of intelligent conversation!

All I want is to go back home. I miss having friends in office – I miss coordinating across 3 floors and teams to sneak out for that 1 hour at barista – discussing everything besides the one thing we seemingly had in common – office. I miss knowing intimate details of people’s lives. I miss human contact – even though I am in an office for 10 hours of my day!

I’m repeatedly told its not that bad – I am almost certain that it is not. But, I am an alien in this environment – my demanour, my speech, my mannerisms, my thoughts. Communication can bridge barriers – but what do I do in a place where communication itself is an issue? I may be finding reasons to feel sorry for myself. I hope that’s the reality. But for now, I am lost. And don’t know where to begin to find myself anymore.

Hum of the day

I’m homesick. Today I heard the song from “Swades”. It made me cry on my way to work “ Yun to saare sukh hai barse, pat door tu hai apne ghar se, aa laut chalain ab to deewana, jahaan koi to tujhe apna mane”. I wish I was homeward bound. But for now, all I really wish is that I had the strength to make a home where ever I am. I am struggling – but I hope that I will see it through. I have a hand holding mine – one that reminds me that while my heart is split in two – at least one part of my heart has what it wants.

I Threw Away The Rearview Mirror

For so long now I have been thinking of getting back to writing on my blog. But like most things in my life, my tendency to think more and do less seems to take over. Fortunately, a lot of random things happened yesterday to sort of shake me out of this virtually perpetual reverie that I seem to have got caught up in.

First, over the past week, I reached out to my friends. And friends reached out to me – after a really long hiatus. Some time mid-week, I had GR reach out to me with a long email – over the distance that was unintentionally created by things beyond Mumbai, Delhi and Kuwait. Some feelings are beyond words. That simple gesture made me feel so much less alone in this new country where my only companion for 4 months has been my husband. As sweet as that may sound, in reality, its enough to drive anyone crazy – I’m used to friends, I’m used to independence – of thought, action etc. And I felt like that was all curbed. Anyway, my marital fights reached new lows a day after. I attribute this to a new marriage, new country (which I HATE), new job + me and my paranoia and ability to over analyze, think too much, feel too much and basically have no balance – lets just call it a really potent mix for a disaster with my poor husband at the receiving end! Through most of the above, no one knew any details about, maybe because like most newly married couples, I felt that these things are just too private – which they are. But, they were all small, and essentially driving me mad and fortunately, my dam burst that day and I grumbled like a spoiled child to GR and KD – after god knows how long. And I finally had my friends back! And oh, after grumbling, I also managed to totally patch things up with my hubby – GREAT week!

Second, through my patch up with my husband, I realized the unnecessary dependence I seem to have developed. Agreed I am not totally mobile here by myself (no driving license) but my sense of dependence goes beyond that. Its emotional dependence – which may be normal and required, but it bothers me. Its nice to have someone you can depend on, but do I really need to feel this sense of helplessness without him .The answer is obvious. My independence, ability to do my own thing and have my own life, is core to who I am. When a sense that all that has gone set in – I lost myself in so many ways – only to realize, I am responsible for letting that happen. Its no ones fault – least of all the man I married since he knew me as independent, assertive and self-assured. He must feel such a sense of shock over this insane person I have become.

Third, an email from GR yesterday which said (and I quote here) “I think we have endlessly complained and cried about these issues ...frankly I think we are quite pathetic in this regard. When the world can lose weight what’s stopping us? All we need is a bit of discipline and the strength to go on for the first 4 weeks and thereon without stopping.” (G, sorry if you did not want to be quoted). This pushed me over the edge – towards the above enlightenment!

And today, there was a conversation I had with my husband – where he seemed to be going through similar issues of dealing with this new excessive ‘together’ time that leaves little time for stuff you need to do on your own—it was definitely time for action!
So putting it all together – this is what happened. I realized I need people. I need friends I can reach out to. But that does not mean that those friends have to be in the same place and time-zone as me. Keeping in touch and keeping the connection going is as much my responsibility – if not more given that I am the one alone here! And just knowing that these people are just there for me – no matter what – is a comfort. It got rid of all the loneliness in a snap of a second as soon as I realized it.

Second realization, I need a life. It’s all nice and sweet to be married and have someone etc etc blah blah blah. But it wears off. Beyond that, its regular life! I have given this advice and thought about this theoretically so often, but practice is just a different ball game – it always is isn’t it! There are so many things I like to do – which require just me. But since I got married, I just feel like ‘we’ need to spend time and do stuff together (never thought I would be like that). And changing is taking a toll – on both of us – especially since we are both such independent ‘space’ loving people. So the next thing I decided was I will do the following: Blog, read, exercise – and maybe study (I registered for my CFA) – but the first 3 are essential to my sanity.

Third, I need to grow up and take responsibility for myself and my life. To learn to prioritize, to balance priorities, to balance relationships and to make sure I do not neglect myself – I can see some people smile and say “welcome to married life”

And yeah, this is step one – my blog re-started. I am also starting another blog – one I have wanted to for a long time. It's located at http://booksmyworld.blogspot.com . I plan to review or write about books I read (and I read a lot – even now I’ve finished about 4 in the past 2 months!). My inspiration is friends who keep asking me to suggest books. So it makes sense – I like to read, I like to write , people like to know what I read. It elementary my dear Watson ;)


Hum of the day:
“I am on the bus; I threw away the rear view mirror. I only need to know where I am going and why – and heck I did this by choice because I knew I would enjoy it. Now making it enjoyable – that’s in my hands.”