Lights , camera, action - if only

Words used to come easy to me. Conversational words and most importantly, written words. Off late this has changed. I seem to have run out of things to say. I used to think. About people around me, about what i saw, about what people i knew were going through. In short, I used to think about life- not just my own. But somewhere i seem to have got caught up in my own existence I find my thoughts increasingly preoccupied with myself, my work - my life. And i do not like this change in me.

Yes my job is becoming more demanding; yes I have little room to think in the day, but is that not a choice. I used to consider myself a sort of maverick- someone who could live by my own rules even in a world of madness. But it seems I have surprised myself. In an effort to settle down in a new environment I seem to have lost something - something that made up the essence of me. Then again, if it was so easy to give up maybe it was not the essence of me at all.

I find that thinking seems to get me nowhere. There seems to be so little i can really control. And no matter what i keep saying, the need to control seems to be deeply embedded - in me and in everyone around me.

We control - or we try to control- our lives, professional and personal through a combination fo our thoughts and actions. Its usually our actions. But sometimes, that stray thought you had will come true- that phone will ring, that beep will sound, that email will come- which will be just the person you randomly remembered. These i think are reminders- to restore our faith that, through the madness around, someone is listening- and sometimes, just when you need it most, he will give you that beep to let you know he is listening.

The problem is we try to direct that - to pray, to ask to plead. And that’s, ok. Because if you don’t know what you want, you will not get it. And while going with the flow is fine, a general direction, a decision to cross that rock, to split into those tributaries, to explore that new lane- those decisions lie with us. And knowing that they do, somehow, gives me strength. The strength to keep trying, to keep making those decisions, to attempt to do my bit to give shape to my life. To try and get the life I want.

I look back at a lot of things feeling foolish, but i do not look back wishing I had tried. I thought a direction was right, I thought my life would shape a certain way. While trying, decisions were taken that changed the course. I made more decisions. I keep trying. We all do. Clichés make the world. Clichés give hope. Perhaps hope is the biggest cliché.

Hum of the day
We may be the director of the movie of our lives, but we keep forgetting, it’s being produced by someone else. And we can argue to have our way and we can chose to make things difficult for ourselves, in the end, what the producer believes will yield results is what will be shown. Lucky for us, the producer of life is never wrong.