I'm Moving On & Thank You

The last couple of weeks have been eventful for me to say the least. Actually that's not entirely accurate -- the last 7-8 months have been eventful for me. I've said it earlier so I won't repeat my woes of marriage, moving to a new country, etc. But last week I closed one chapter. I quit my job. A job which for the longest time, was a cause of personal and professional strife in my life. A job that changed who I used to be as a person - it turned me angry, resentful and worst of all intolerant. But the fact that it made me realize that i had become all the above - is something I'm grateful for. The weird thing is - it was and is just a job.. how could it have such a potent impact on my life. It should not - yet it did.

I used to pride myself in being tolerant, in respecting people and opinions, in the fact that I have always believed that I can learn from people around me. Here however, I turned into a snob who was intolerant to people, culture and behavior. And i hated myself. And the more i hated, the worse it became. The reason - it was simple.

We define who we are by the work we do and the position we hold. If those somehow, do not match your own expectation, there is a tendency to feel let down - with yourself and life in general. Which is so weird.. work is what we do.. not who we are.. yet I confused the two concepts - and i have been confusing them for a while now.

A mess up at work does not say anything about who I am-- its says a lot however about how I am at the work I have chosen. And that choice was my primary mistake. I have never been happy in my line of work and lack the passion for the job-- and I hate doing half baked work --which frustrates me and its a downward spiral. But this time, I went too far, I let it change who I was and how i reacted. I was hurtful to so many people, some which I care about and some whom I don't -- but I would not want to hurt them anyways. I made judgments;on a city.. on the people in that city ... all because I was hurting... and its unfair and not who I am... its perhaps too late to apologize.. but I'm glad i know what i did wrong--and hope that somehow, people understand why I became who i became.

This also made me realize that I have some fundamental issues with the line of work-- and so, this time, I've closed the door on not just this job but the work I was doing. I may do it as a stop-gap, but largely, I'm moving on.

Im moving on to a line I may not know i want, but know that its not what i do not want. And thats definitely a step forward. I am scared, I am uncertain and yet I am excited. Because, I'm becoming an explorer for the first time and being impractical. I read somewhere - the uncertainty of the unknown is better than the unhappy certainty of the known.

Hum of the day
I took a step, it angered me. I wanted to move, I couldn't see. I made a move, it set me free. I'm now willing to explore what lies ahead of me.